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Education for young people is important in many countries. However, some people think that governments should spend more money on education in adult population who cannot read and write. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.2

Education for young people is important in many countries. However, some people think that governments should spend more money on education in adult population who cannot read and write. with this opinion? v. 2
Today, most youngsters are obviously supposed to go to school to receive academic knowledge. Nevertheless, mature people who are illiterate are also considered to be worth getting that opportunity. My own view on this matter is that I approve of the latter opinion while I believe in the merits of the former one too. It is indeed reasonable that providing money to develop education for illiterate adults will help them so much. First, were governments not to do so, it seems to me that the unemployment rate in a country would be on increase because most jobs nowadays doubtlessly require workers to have the two most basic skills which are reading and writing. Therefore, people would be jobless and could not make money to maintain their lives because of their illiteracy. Second, they would also find it difficult to enjoy themselves in basis life. Humans need to watch news, read newspapers and text others everyday which demand their literacy. Hence, they could not even inform what is happening around the world or update daily events which contributed to the boredom in life. Finally, adults who have children were not able to help them as they sometimes need their parents to instruct them with homework and read fairy tales before sleeping. However crucial education for grown individuals is, I do emphasize the importance of that for teenagers. Without any doubt, they are the ones who will decide how well-developed their nation is and also affect the world. Thus, I claim that focusing on educational systems for children is so beneficial for people to do. For example, once people spend money organizing campaigns, upgrading studying methods and equipment and constructing lessons for students, they will probably perfectly develop and become talented people who enrich their countries. Overall, I insist that school students and adults who suffer from illiteracy are worthwhile to get the educational support invested money by governments.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, most youngsters are
obviously
supposed to go to school to receive academic knowledge.
Nevertheless
, mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are illiterate are
also
considered to be worth getting that opportunity. My
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
view on this matter is that I approve of the latter opinion while I believe in the merits of the former one too.

It is
indeed
reasonable that providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to develop education for illiterate adults will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much.
First
, were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
not to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, it seems to me that the unemployment rate in a country would be on increase
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most jobs nowadays
doubtlessly
require workers to have the two most basic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which are reading and writing.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would be jobless and could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to maintain their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their illiteracy. Second, they would
also
find it difficult to enjoy themselves in basis life. Humans need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
news, read newspapers and text others
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
which demand their literacy.
Hence
, they could not even inform what is happening around the world or update daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
which contributed to the boredom in life.
Finally
, adults
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have children were not able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
need their parents to instruct them with homework and read fairy tales
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
sleeping.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
crucial education for grown individuals is, I do emphasize the importance of that for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. Without any doubt, they are the ones
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
will decide how well-developed their nation is and
also
affect the world.
Thus
, I claim that focusing on educational systems for children is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do.
For example
, once
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
organizing campaigns, upgrading studying methods and equipment and constructing lessons for students, they will
probably
perfectly
develop and become talented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
enrich their countries.

Overall
, I insist that school students and adults
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
suffer from illiteracy are worthwhile to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the educational support invested
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Education for young people is important in many countries. However, some people think that governments should spend more money on education in adult population who cannot read and write. with this opinion? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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