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Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.7

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 7
Using your free time brings enormous amounts of benefit to any child, especially for their overall development in terms of both physical and mental refreshment. While some believe that parents ought to support children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own, I, however, stand by the point that children need to be encouraged by their parents to participate in group activities. On the one hand, parents who encourage children to be on their own might say that for a child to grow it is necessary to be individualistic. It is true that a child can learn a lot of new things by reading a book which can give them vast amounts of knowledge as well as in-depth insights into the subject matter. In addition to this, children can apply the wisdom obtained from the reading to develop new ideas and experiment with the same. For example, by reading academic books children develop a good understanding with which they can develop new ideas and techniques to better solve problems in real life. However, those children who are encouraged to participate in group activities by their parents have a higher probability of developing better inter-personal communication skills. Common sense suggests that being involved in group activities aids in the development of leadership capabilities and decision making abilities. For instance, children who play cricket often have to take decisions which make them more confident in real life scenarios. Furthermore, children understand the value of helping each other and to be supportive in times of trouble and triumph which is considered the most important benefit of group activities. In conclusion, although children can occupy themselves by reading a book or experimenting themselves, in my opinion group activities provide them with better overall development in key skills needed for life which can help in the long term. Therefore, I side with those who feel that parents should encourage their children to participate more in group activities rather than to leave them on their own.
Using your free time brings enormous amounts of benefit to any child,
especially
for their
overall
development in terms of both physical and mental refreshment. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
ought to support
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to learn how to occupy themselves on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
, I,
however
, stand by the point that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to
be encouraged
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
activities.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
might say that for a child to grow it is necessary to be individualistic. It is true that a child can learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
new things by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
a book which can give them vast amounts of knowledge
as well
as in-depth insights into the
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "subject".
subject matter
.
In addition
to this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can apply the wisdom obtained from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
to develop new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and experiment with the same.
For example
, by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
academic books
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
develop a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
understanding with which they can develop new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and techniques to better solve problems in real life.

However
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are encouraged
to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have a higher probability of developing better inter-personal communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. Common sense suggests that
being involved
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
aids in the development of leadership capabilities and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
abilities.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
play cricket
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take decisions which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them more confident in real life scenarios.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
understand the value of helping each other and to be supportive in times of trouble and triumph which
is considered
the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
benefit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
activities.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can occupy themselves by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
a book or experimenting themselves, in my opinion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
provide them with better
overall
development in key
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
needed for life which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in the long term.
Therefore
, I side with those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to participate more in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
rather
than to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
them on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
331 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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