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Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both theses views and give your own opinion. v.17

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 17
There is a heated debate on whether the parents should encourage their pupils to participate in group activities in leisure time, or the pupils should be self-esteemed to do such things. In my opinion, the guardians should guide their younger ones without causing any pressure on them. In the following paragraphs will illustrate both the view of above notion. To begin with, the former view, developing the character of the children is the prime responsibility of their parents by engaging them in activities, which enhance their skills. The pupils are not mature enough to take decisions regarding their skill enhancing activities, although the parents have to guide them to utilize their leisure time for group activities, where they can enjoy working with their peers and learn important skills like cooperation, coordination and team spirit. For instance, playing football game develops all these essential skills to the youngsters as well as it eradicates boredom and sedentary lifestyle. Thus, it is the moral responsibility of the parents to mould the personality of their children by motivating them. On the other hand, some people strongly believe that the pupils should have the self-awareness to make their position on such group activities. This practice provides some space for the children to take independent decisions, which enrich their independent thinking and they will join such activity with more enthusiasm. Moreover, it is seen that pressure from the parents to participate in any task has created a negative impact on a child’s psychology and bring disaster results in the end. For example, the researchers surveyed that the majority of suicide cases of the teenagers in India are due to exorbitant pressure experienced from their parents. Thus, the youngsters should be given some space to choose their field of interest where they can participate by themselves. In conclusion, the parents are more curious about to all-round development of their pupils. Hence, they should guide their younger ones by understanding their individual choice. Also, the government should conduct awareness program in schools to spread awareness to all the parents.
There is a heated debate on whether the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
to participate in group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in leisure time, or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
should be self-esteemed to do such things. In my opinion, the guardians should guide their younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
without causing any pressure on them. In the following paragraphs will illustrate both the view of above notion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the former view, developing the character of the children is the prime responsibility of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
by engaging them in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, which enhance their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
are not mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to take decisions regarding their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
enhancing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
guide them to utilize their leisure time for group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, where they can enjoy working with their peers and learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
like cooperation, coordination and team spirit.
For instance
, playing football game develops all these essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to the youngsters
as well
as it eradicates boredom and sedentary lifestyle.
Thus
, it is the moral responsibility of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'mould' is British English.
mould
the personality of their children by motivating them.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
strongly
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
should have the self-awareness to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their position on such group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. This practice provides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
space for the children to take independent decisions, which enrich their independent
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
thinking and
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
with more enthusiasm.
Moreover
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that pressure from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to participate in any task has created a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on a child’s psychology and bring disaster results in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
.
For example
, the researchers surveyed that the majority of suicide cases of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
in India are due to exorbitant pressure experienced from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Thus
, the youngsters should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
space to choose their field of interest where they can participate by themselves.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are more curious about to all-round development of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
.
Hence
, they should guide their younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
by understanding their individual choice.
Also
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should conduct awareness program in schools to spread awareness to all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 17

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
341 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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