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Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.15

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 15
It is rightly said: "An empty mind is a devil's workshop". In the same context, while some deem that learning ways to keep themselves occupied is imperative for children, there are others who believe that parents should be the motivating factor for their children to participate in planned team activities. In my judgement, it is indeed beneficial when parents are involved with their children to make such decisions, rather than allowing children individually decide upon the means to be occupied. To begin with, some consider that children should have or learn to have a perspective on things; often this is viewed as an important skill-building. As a result, emphasis on the knowledge of ways to be individually engaged in activities is made, for children. For instance, in the US, children are taught to be independent and self-engaged in some or the other activity that interests them. This cultivates self-dependence, as well as provide ample opportunities to explore and settle for what is suitable and which interests them. In contrast to this, not all children are well-versed with ways to be involved, in relation to group activities. In this case, the parents' involvement greatly encourages their children not only to choose the right activity, but also to learn the significance of working in a team. For example, in many countries children are enrolled in summer camps and other group events, during their school holidays, where they are taught essential skills like: building self-confidence, team-work and behavioural etiquettes. Therefore, in these events involving a group, children are being taught the most crucial life-lessons. To conclude, it is considered by many that children ought to individually understand ways to be self-occupied; however, their parents' motivation is necessary when opting for group activities during leisure time.
It is
rightly
said:
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
An empty mind is a devil's workshop
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
. In the same context, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
deem that learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
themselves occupied is imperative for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, there are others who believe that parents should be the motivating factor for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to participate in planned team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. In my judgement, it is
indeed
beneficial when parents
are involved
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
such decisions,
rather
than allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
individually
decide upon the means to
be occupied
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
consider that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should have or learn to have a perspective on things;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
this
is viewed
as an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
-building.
As a result
, emphasis on the knowledge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
to be
individually
engaged in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is made
, for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For instance
, in the US,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are taught
to be independent and self-engaged in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
or the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
that interests them. This cultivates self-dependence,
as well
as provide ample opportunities to explore and settle for what is suitable and which interests them.

In contrast
to this, not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are well-versed with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
to
be involved
, in relation to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
In this case
, the parents' involvement
greatly
encourages their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to choose the right
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to learn the significance of working in a team.
For example
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are enrolled
in summer camps and other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, during their school holidays, where they
are taught
essential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
like: building self-confidence, team-work and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behavioural' is British English.
behavioural
Possible spelling mistake found.
etiquettes
.
Therefore
, in these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
involving a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
being taught
the most crucial life-lessons.

To conclude
, it
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
ought to
individually
understand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ways
to be self-occupied;
however
, their parents' motivation is necessary when opting for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
during leisure time.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 15

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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