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Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.14

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 14
The concerns regarding to the development of a child has gained a momentum, in the recent times. Many intellectuals opine that the parents should motivate their adolescents, whereas others believe that the children should participate without any influence in the group activities during the leisure time. This essay will discuss both the views of the above notion, along with my opinion in the following paragraphs. To begin with, the former view of insisting a key role of the parents to influence the pupils for the team work would bring many benefits to them. This group activity will inculcate many practical skills to the children, such as communication, team spirit and co-ordination with peers. Although, these skills are inevitable in the holy development of a child, they might not participate in it, due to their shyness. Therefore the parents have to guide these introvert pupils. For instance, many students have stage fear, hence their parent should provide a moral support to cope up such fears. Thus, the support of the parent is an essential for the dynamic growth to a child. On the other hand, the latter viewed depicts the importance of the self-reliance of the children. Many parents prefer that, the children should indulge in the activities of their interests. Such practice will be fruitful for the overall performance of the children. Not only the decision skill, but the analytical skill of the pupil will enhance in a team work. For example, a research on the child psyche reveals that the children will perform better in their favourite field. Therefore, the children should learn to make their place in the group activities. In conclusion, the way of learning is a critical factor for the development of the pupils. In my opinion, the formal view is beneficial for the pupils, especially introvert children. While, the extrovert and active children will have ample of benefits from the latter view.
The concerns
The phrase 'regarding to' is not correct. Use "regarding" or "regard to".
regarding to
the development of a child has gained a momentum, in the recent times.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
intellectuals opine that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should motivate their adolescents, whereas others believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should participate without any influence in the group activities during the leisure time. This essay will discuss both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
views
of the above notion, along with my opinion in the following paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the former
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
view
of insisting a key role of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to influence the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
for the team work would bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits to them. This group activity will inculcate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, such as communication, team spirit and co-ordination with peers. Although, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
are inevitable in the holy development of a child, they might not participate in it, due to their shyness.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
guide these introvert
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students have stage fear,
hence
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
should provide a moral support to cope up such fears.
Thus
, the support of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
is an essential for the dynamic growth to a child.

On the other hand
, the latter viewed depicts the importance of the self-reliance of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
prefer that, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should indulge in the activities of their interests. Such practice will be fruitful for the
overall
performance of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the decision
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the analytical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupil
will enhance in a team work.
For example
,
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
on the child psyche reveals that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will perform better in their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
field.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should learn to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their place in the group activities.

In conclusion
, the way of learning is a critical factor for the development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
. In my opinion, the formal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
view
is beneficial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pupils
,
especially
introvert
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. While, the extrovert and active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will have ample of benefits from the latter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
view
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
We should learn languages because language is the only thing worth knowing even poorly.
Kató Lomb

IELTS essay Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 14

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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