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Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 1
A child’s mind is like a piece of clay that can be moulded into any desirable form. Leisure time is a great opportunity for children to acquire useful skills and to entertain themselves. Perhaps due to this, some parents are encouraging organised activities for children while others believe in letting their children occupy themselves in their own way. I feel that children’s participation in team building activities would keep them fruitfully engaged. It will also prepare them for handling multiple endeavours in the future. Playing regular sports such as cricket, football, and badminton or attending art classes to learn musical instruments, singing, and dancing sounds productive. Children busy with these scheduled pastimes would be less prone to spend long hours on TV, phones or the internet. Additionally, they might discover their passion while pursuing these arranged activities. On the other side, some people would like to leave it up to the children to follow their interests. A free and non-coercive environment could foster creative abilities in children. For example, activities such as building a castle in the sand or crafting a prototype of a bus, train or animals foster creativity in children. Moreover, the instructive nature of sorted sessions may not interest everyone and leave them with minimal or no time for relaxation. In my opinion, I feel children should be motivated to pursue systemized undertakings in their idle time. However, they should be spared some time to ponder and tinker with things around and nurture their own hobbies. It should possibly be under careful guidance.
A child’s mind is like a piece of clay that can be
Possible spelling mistake found.
moulded
into any desirable form. Leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is a great opportunity for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to acquire useful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and to entertain themselves. Perhaps due to this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parents are encouraging
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
activities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
while others believe in letting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
occupy themselves in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way. I feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
participation in team building activities would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them
fruitfully
engaged. It will
also
prepare them for handling multiple
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavours' is British English.
endeavours
in the future.

Playing regular sports such as cricket, football, and badminton or attending art classes to learn musical instruments, singing, and dancing sounds productive.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
busy with these scheduled pastimes would be less prone to spend long hours on TV, phones or the internet.
Additionally
, they might discover their passion while pursuing these arranged activities.

On the other side,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
it up to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to follow their interests. A free and non-coercive environment could foster creative abilities in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For example
, activities such as building a castle in the sand or crafting a prototype of a bus, train or animals foster creativity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Moreover
, the instructive nature of sorted sessions may not interest everyone and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
them with minimal or no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for relaxation.

In my opinion, I feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be motivated
to pursue systemized undertakings in their idle
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
However
, they should
be spared
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to ponder and tinker with things around and nurture their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
hobbies. It should
possibly
be under careful guidance.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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