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Some people believe that success is about hard work and determination. Others think that success has a connection with money and personal appearance. Discuss both views. Give your opinion and some of your own experiences. v.1

Some people believe that success is about hard work and determination. Others think that success has a connection with money and personal appearance. Give your opinion and some of your own experiences. v. 1
There is some controversy over whether some people believe that hard work and determination are the keys to success in life, others think that money and personal appearance attributes are more important. From my perspective, even though each apparently has its own advantageous points, the latter, with some typically outstanding benefits is worth my preference. On the one hand, hard work and determination would be beneficial to some extent. Firstly, hard work means overcoming the weaknesses and shortcomings to gain valuable experiences. For example, Ronaldo is a famous football player in the world. At the beginning of his career, his innate potential was not appreciated and received recognized by coaches and media. In a consequence, after hours hitting the gym to improve physical strength and football skills and one of the most successful stars. Secondly, endeavors give us to gain the goal in their life. For instance, Nguyen Ngoc Ki is a Vietnamese teacher. In the past, he could not write by his hand. However, with endless efforts to practice writing by his toes and hold the pen. As a result, he graduated from the Vietnamese university of Pedagogy and he has become one of the most respected teachers. Despite the above arguments, I subscribe to the notion that money and personal appearance play a more vital role because of its evidence advantageous points. The first reason is that money facilitates people to achieve more chances in their life. The most compelling evidence is that with money, people can have access to better education such as studying abroad to enhance knowledge and qualification. This enables them to have a job opportunity and work prospect. Moreover, rich people can start their own business without loaning money from the bank. In addition, appearance is one of the crucial factors can get success. It creates a first impression towards business partners. This facilitates them to sign a contract worth millions of dollars. The other illustrate celebrity in acting and singing areas have good physical appearance can create the first impression towards fan or audience. In conclusion, while hard work and determination can bring some favorable aspects, I would argue that financial and appearance should be regarded as a better option.
There is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
controversy over whether
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and determination are the keys to success in life, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
attributes are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. From my perspective,
even though
each
apparently
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
advantageous points, the latter, with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
typically
outstanding benefits is worth my preference.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and determination would be beneficial to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
means overcoming the weaknesses and shortcomings to gain valuable experiences.
For example
, Ronaldo is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
football player in the world. At the beginning of his career, his innate potential was not appreciated and received recognized by coaches and media. In a consequence, after hours hitting the gym to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
physical strength and football
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and one of the most successful stars.
Secondly
, endeavors give us to gain the goal in their life.
For instance
, Nguyen
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ngoc
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ki
is a Vietnamese teacher. In the past, he could not write by his hand.
However
, with endless efforts to practice writing by his toes and hold the pen.
As a result
, he graduated from the Vietnamese university of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
Pedagogy and
he has become one of the most respected teachers.

Despite the above arguments, I subscribe to the notion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
play a more vital role
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its evidence advantageous points. The
first
reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
facilitates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to achieve more chances in their life. The most compelling evidence is that with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can have access to better education such as studying abroad to enhance knowledge and qualification. This enables them to have a job opportunity and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
prospect.
Moreover
, rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business without loaning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from the bank.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
is one of the crucial factors can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
success. It creates a
first
impression towards business partners. This facilitates them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
a contract worth millions of dollars. The other illustrate celebrity in acting and singing areas have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
can create the
first
impression towards fan or audience.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and determination can bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
favorable aspects, I would argue that financial and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
appearance
should
be regarded
as a better option.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that success is about hard work and determination. Others think that success has a connection with money and personal appearance. Give your opinion and some of your own experiences. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
367 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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