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Some people say that now we can see films on our phones or tablets there is no need to go to the cinema. Others say that to be fully enjoyed, films need to be seen in a cinema. Discuss both these views and give your own opinions. v.17

Some people say that now we can see films on our phones or tablets there is no need to go to the cinema. Others say that to be fully enjoyed, films need to be seen in a cinema. v. 17
In this contemporary era, technology is revolutionising every aspect of life. Watching films on personal cells is one such development. A few individuals think that, watching movies on our phones at home or any other place is better than going to movie halls specially. This essay intends to elucidate both the perspectives, followed by my opinion. At the outset, I would like to share some of the benefits, that a person can get by seeing his/her serials or series of their own mobile sets, that surely saves money of them by not visiting outside for the same. Watching movies at cinemas has become "once in a blue moon". Youth nowadays, prefer watching them in their phones, because they do not have enough time from their daily schedules, or we can say they do not know how to manage it. Moreover, they have sufficient facilities, like easy internet plans and high quality screens, everyone would prefer it besides visiting outside specially. Although, it is a good idea to save your precious time rather visiting for the events, but if we go outside with friends and celebrate the event is a different thing. To add on to the above argument, I believe that, at least this is the event that people needs to enjoy with their family and mates. It is true, that we do not have enough leisure time, but we have to manage it to know the worth of happiness. In our busy management, we have forgotten that we have a life to enjoy and a family to take care of. And this, I think that, is the best way to persuade your happiness. However, it would take your busy time, but will also provide you the real meaning of life. To recapitulate, this is explicitly that, one must have to extract some of their important time and spend on their loved ones, else we will be remain a machinery, working for our managers and offices leaving behind a beautiful life to live.
In this contemporary era, technology is
Possible spelling mistake. 'revolutionising' is British English.
revolutionising
every aspect of life. Watching films on personal cells is one such development. A few individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that, watching movies on our phones at home or any other place is better than going to movie halls
specially
. This essay intends to elucidate both the perspectives, followed by my opinion.

At the outset, I would like to share
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
benefits, that a person can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
by seeing his/her serials or series of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
mobile sets, that
surely
saves money of them by not visiting outside for the same. Watching movies at cinemas has become
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
once in a blue moon
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
. Youth nowadays, prefer watching them in their phones,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
from their daily schedules, or we can say they do not know how to manage it.
Moreover
, they have sufficient facilities, like easy internet plans and high quality screens, everyone would prefer it
besides
visiting outside
specially
. Although, it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to save your precious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
rather
visiting for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if we go outside with friends and celebrate the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
thing.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
on to the above argument, I believe that, at least this is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
needs
to enjoy with their family and mates. It is true, that we do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
manage it to know the worth of happiness. In our busy management, we have forgotten that we have a life to enjoy and a family to take care of. And this, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that, is the best way to persuade your happiness.
However
, it would take your busy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
will
also
provide you the real meaning of life.

To recapitulate, this is
explicitly
that, one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
extract
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and spend on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones, else we will be
Consider using the past participle "remained"?
remain
a machinery, working for our managers and offices leaving behind a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
life to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that now we can see films on our phones or tablets there is no need to go to the cinema. Others say that to be fully enjoyed, films need to be seen in a cinema. v. 17

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
333 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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