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Some people say that Money makes tha world go round, others say that money is the root of all evil. Which of these do you agree with? Use examples and details in your answer. v.1

Some people say that Money makes tha world go round, others say that money is the root of all evil. Which of these do you agree with? Use examples and details in your answer. v. 1
Travelling has become increasingly popular in the areas where situations are hard, such as the Sahara Desert or Antarctica. This essay first discusses how the advantages can generate income to the local communities for further development and later explain the dangers of navigating through these areas. There are many advantages when travellers visit regions like Sahara or Antarctica for the sake of sightseeing. The primary benefit is that this allows the local cities to earn money through the tourism which can be ploughed back into the development of the local regions. In other words, people living in those regions can be benefited from better infrastructure facilities and eradicate other problems with the income generated by these tourists. For example, The Guided factor, an internet blog that focusses particularly on travelling had stated that, In Sahara Desert, there was a whopping 68% of the rise in the income generated from tourism over the last 4 years which in return the city was developed with better transport connectivity. On the other hand, there are also some drawbacks of tourists visiting these difficult places. The climatic conditions of these regions are unpredictable. This is because it is often believed that in these places are prone to natural disasters, such as sandstorms, tornadoes occur frequently. This might lead to a tragic accident of the tourists visiting at that particular point of time. For instance, The Times has reported several missing cases of tourists who particularly planned a schedule to these remote places during unpredictable weather conditions. Therefore, it is patently clear that tourists need to do enough research before opting for these difficult regions, particularly for sightseeing. In conclusion, it is clear that despite these benefits support the local communities in providing financial stability, it is extremely dangerous to deal with the unpredictable natural disasters in these regions.
Travelling has become
increasingly
popular in the areas where situations are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
, such as the Sahara Desert or Antarctica. This essay
first
discusses how the advantages can generate income to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
communities for
further
development and later
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of navigating through these areas.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages when
Possible spelling mistake found.
travellers
visit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regions
A determiner is probably missing here: "like the Sahara".
like Sahara
or Antarctica for the sake of sightseeing. The primary benefit is that this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
cities to earn money through the tourism which can be
Possible spelling mistake. 'ploughed' is British English.
ploughed
back into the development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regions
.
In other words
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
living in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regions
can
be benefited
from better infrastructure facilities and eradicate other problems with the income generated by these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
.
For example
, The Guided factor, an internet blog that
Possible spelling mistake. 'focusses' is British English.
focusses
particularly
on travelling had stated that, In Sahara Desert, there was a whopping 68% of the rise in the income generated from tourism over the last 4 years which in return the city
was developed
with better transport connectivity.

On the other hand
, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
visiting these difficult places. The climatic conditions of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regions
are unpredictable. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
believed that in these places are prone to natural disasters, such as sandstorms, tornadoes occur
frequently
. This might lead to a tragic accident of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
visiting at that particular point of time.
For instance
, The Times has reported several missing cases of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
who
particularly
planned a schedule to these remote places during unpredictable weather conditions.
Therefore
, it is
patently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
need to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
research
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
opting for these difficult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regions
,
particularly
for sightseeing.

In conclusion
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that despite these benefits support the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
communities in providing financial stability, it is
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
to deal with the unpredictable natural disasters in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
regions
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people say that Money makes tha world go round, others say that money is the root of all evil. Which of these do you agree with? Use examples and details in your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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