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Nowadays both men and women spend a lot of money on beauty care. This was not so in the past. What may be the root cause of this behavior? Discuss the reasons and possible results. v.1

Nowadays both men and women spend a lot of money on beauty care. This was not so in the past. What may be the root cause of this behavior? Discuss the reasons and possible results. v. 1
In today’s world, cosmetics productions are used more than ever. Therefore, a huge amount of cash has been spent on those materials, which make us to seem younger and more attractive. However, the pressure of being attractive was not in the past. So, this attitude should be originated and created by a definite purpose. Therefore, there is a need to investigate about the reasons and effects of it. At first, it should be investigated that what can be reasoned. It is considerable that people like to be compared with superstars like actors and actresses’ behaviour and try to imitate them. So, this imitation would affect not only to their clothing and behaviour, but also it definitely has an impact on their natural appearance. Therefore, you can see the usage of these elegance care subjects are more in a portion of society who are between 20 to 40, because they are more in the life style of the stars. Also, people believe that as a person seems more attractive, they would take more attentions. So, they can be more successful. Unfortunately, head managers tend to employ more charming girls or boys, at least for the jobs which are connected to people. For instance, we can mention cashiers, flight attendants, or travel agents. We should not forget the great amount of money which is made in the commerce of those materials. By the knowing the clues and the roots of it, we can be aware of its unwanted results. A society and mainly adults and matures are really on a risk of losing their natural appearance. If they just use some cosmetic stuffs to seem more beautiful, make themselves younger, or even try to keep their skin more appealing, it does not hurt. But they do some sorts of surgeries to take care of their skins or they put on makeup in a way that they disguise. That is why, when you are in a party, you think that you are in a beauty contest. So, that is why the natural elegance of a society dies down. For example, between 2010 to 2015, in some middle eastern countries, having a small nose seems to be a factor of looking beautiful and so many people try to have a surgery for this purpose. All in one, there was a belief in the past that the most interesting thing that make you seem beautiful was the inner beauty, which has been changed as the years go by. In fact, Spending money on those care productions can be necessary to make your appearance better. But insisting on using them, more than the needs, is wasting money and even it can become a mental illness. Indeed, if we do not try to quit this habit, the biggest result would be a ruin changing of the definition of beauty sense.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world, cosmetics productions are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
more than ever.
Therefore
, a huge amount of cash has
been spent
on those materials, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
us to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seem
younger and more attractive.
However
, the pressure of being attractive was not in the past.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, this attitude should
be originated
and created by a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
purpose.
Therefore
, there is a need to investigate about the reasons and effects of it.

At
first
, it should
be investigated
that what can
be reasoned
. It is considerable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to
be compared
with superstars like actors and actresses’
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and try to imitate them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, this imitation would affect not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to their clothing and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it definitely has an impact on their natural appearance.
Therefore
, you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the usage of these elegance care subjects are more in a portion of society who are
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 20 and 40".
between 20 to 40
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are more in the life style of the stars.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that as a person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seems
more attractive, they would take more attentions.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they can be more successful. Unfortunately, head managers tend to employ more charming girls or boys, at least for the jobs which
are connected
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For instance
, we can mention cashiers, flight attendants, or travel agents. We should not forget the great amount of money which
is made
in the commerce of those materials.

By the knowing the clues and the roots of it, we can be aware of its unwanted results. A society and
mainly
adults and matures are
really
on a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of losing their natural appearance. If they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cosmetic stuffs to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seem
more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
themselves younger, or even try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their skin more appealing, it does not hurt.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
they do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sorts of surgeries to take care of their
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
skins or
they put on makeup in a way that they disguise.
That is
why, when you are
Unless you mean "in a political party," the usual preposition for a party is "at." Did you mean, "at a party"?
in a party
, you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that you are in a beauty contest.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
that is
why the natural elegance of a society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dies
down.
For example
,
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 2010 and 2015".
between 2010 to 2015
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
middle eastern countries, having a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
nose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seems
to be a factor of looking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
try to have a surgery for this purpose.

All in one, there was a belief in the past that the most interesting thing that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seem
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
was the inner beauty, which has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
as the years go by. In fact, Spending money on those care productions can be necessary to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
your appearance better.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
insisting on using them, more than the needs, is wasting money and even it can become a mental illness.
Indeed
, if we do not try to quit this habit, the biggest result would be a ruin changing of the definition of beauty sense.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay Nowadays both men and women spend a lot of money on beauty care. This was not so in the past. What may be the root cause of this behavior? Discuss the reasons and possible results. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
473 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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