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Some people say that leisure activity must be educational otherwise it is waste of time. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people say that leisure activity must be educational otherwise it is waste of time. v. 1
With a rapid development of World Wide Web, the world has become a global platform where conversation has become easier. However, I partially agree that the Internet has made the connection better among people because it has brought some negative effects with it. Talking about its positive aspect, the Internet has made communication effortless and rapid. Primarily people can get in touch with known and unknown people across the globe within a couple of seconds with a great aid on the World Wide Web. For example, Sam living in New York can contact his family living in New Delhi, India within a short time interval with a help of social media, which works on under Internet. Even being in a different part of the world, he is able to see, hear and chat with his parents is all because of cyberspace. On the other hand, using the Internet also has some critical issues. Firstly, people forget how to physically deal and communicate with people. To elaborate more, humankind started lacking direct communication skills as computer network grows more and more. Furthermore, nowadays from teenagers to adults, all spend most of their time on online platform such as Facebook, YouTube rather than being sociable. Most of them keep using it unless they get bored. In the meantime, they forget to interact with people around them, which leads to weakening of relationship among families, friends, colleagues and more. In conclusion, even though Internet plays a vital role in bringing people closer still it brings out some serious problems with it. Thus, there must be a proper balance between them as it benefits to have better and stronger personal and social life.
With a rapid development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
World
Wide Web, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
has become a global platform where conversation has become easier.
However
, I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the Internet has made the connection better among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it has brought
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects with it.

Talking about its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspect, the Internet has made communication effortless and rapid.
Primarily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in touch with known and unknown
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
across the globe within a couple of seconds with a great aid on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
World
Wide Web.
For example
, Sam living in New York can contact his family living in New Delhi, India within a short time interval with a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of social media, which works on under Internet. Even being in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
part of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
, he is able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
, hear and chat with his parents is all
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of cyberspace.

On the other hand
, using the Internet
also
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
critical issues.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
forget how to
physically
deal and communicate with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. To elaborate more, humankind
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
lacking direct communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
as computer network grows more and more.
Furthermore
, nowadays from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
to adults, all spend most of their time on online platform such as Facebook, YouTube
rather
than being sociable. Most of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
using it unless they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
bored. In the meantime, they forget to interact with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around them, which leads to weakening of relationship among families, friends, colleagues and more.

In conclusion
,
even though
Internet plays a vital role in bringing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
closer
still
it brings out
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious problems with it.
Thus
, there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be a proper balance between them as it benefits to have better and stronger personal and social life.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that leisure activity must be educational otherwise it is waste of time. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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