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some people say that it is better to promote healthy lifestyles than spend so much money to treat obese people. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

some people say that it is better to promote healthy lifestyles than spend so much money to treat obese people. v. 1
Nowadays, people believed that promoting healthy behavior is more sensible than spend a great deal of money to support the medication of overweigh people. I totally agree with this statement because it helps save national budget and improve public health. One of the main reasons is that it is the best way to save budget of a country. First, since a sustainable development of a nation requires to have many investments in many fields, paying for treating obesity can put more burden on financial resource. This means that if citizens have a knowledge about balance diets, combined with physical activities, the government will not need to spend millions to cure these obese individuals. For instance, according to Vietnam Health Center, in 2018, Vietnam Government spent about 0. 8% of the budget for patients with obesity problems and more fund for hospital facilities. Another reason is that healthy lifestyles help people enhance expectation of life. In order to improve the community’s longevity, healthy meals not only help people avoid corpulence but also other diseases that may be fatal for human’s health. In fact, people who have good eating habit as well as consume other high fiber food, such as fresh fruit and vegetables can regulate their calorie intake leading to reduce fat, moreover, these will provide vitamin which play a vital role in body's development and optimum immune system. For instance, consuming enough Vitamin E helps people slower their aging process or prevent cancers. In conclusion, due to the benefits it brings, like to save money for government, improve community health as well, so government should broaden citizen's awareness more than spend money in treating obesity.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believed that promoting healthy behavior is more sensible than spend a great deal of money to support the medication of
Possible spelling mistake found.
overweigh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
save national budget and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
public health.

One of the main reasons is that it is the best way to save budget of a country.
First
, since a sustainable development of a nation requires to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
investments in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fields, paying for treating obesity can put more burden on financial resource. This means that if citizens have a knowledge about balance diets, combined with physical activities, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
will not need to spend millions to cure these obese individuals.
For instance
, according to Vietnam Health Center, in 2018, Vietnam
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Government
spent about 0. 8% of the budget for patients with obesity problems and more fund for hospital facilities.

Another reason is that healthy lifestyles
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
enhance expectation of life. In order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the community’s longevity, healthy meals not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
avoid corpulence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
other diseases that may be fatal for human’s health. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
eating habit
as well
as consume other high fiber food, such as fresh fruit and vegetables can regulate their calorie intake leading to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
,
moreover
, these will provide vitamin which play a vital role in body's development and optimum immune system.
For instance
, consuming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
The word 'vitamin' is normally not capitalized in the expression "vitamin E"
Vitamin E
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
slower their aging process or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
cancers.

In conclusion
, due to the benefits it brings, like to save money for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
community health
as well
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should broaden citizen's awareness more than spend money in treating obesity.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay some people say that it is better to promote healthy lifestyles than spend so much money to treat obese people. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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