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Some people say that international sports events make an important contribution to world peace. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people say that international sports events make an important contribution to world peace. v. 2
There is no gainsaying that given topic attracts immediate attention owing to its uniqueness. International sports events and their importance has always been a heated debate across the globe. One group of people assert on the importance as it brings peace among different countries while other group of people find it meaningless and waste of money and time. In my opinion I completely agree to the first opinion as having the international sports events certainly has many advantages intact to it. Before reaching to final verdict let’s discuss both views in detail. To begin with, having an international sports event bring enormous advantage to the host country. First and foremost the economic stability. Being the host country of the event, more people visit the country and its different places that eventually bring incremental growth in economy. Furthermore, such events reduces the heat among different countries that exists due to certain other affairs. These events helps bringing multicultural masses at one platform, increasing interactions. Host country gets the opportunity to showcase their culture, traditions to the whole world. Opening up arms to the world to get familiar with their country’s values and level of hospitality. To elucidate it further, there are numerous job opportunities introduced due to the event that also eventually helps controlling unemployment. All these factors contribute to the eternal peace at global level. To recapitulate the aforementioned argument, these events bring along many benefits not only to the host country but also to the world as a whole provided these events are conducted in their true essence. Any disadvantage to this phenomenon are negligible as compared to humongous merits.
There is no gainsaying that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
topic attracts immediate attention owing to its uniqueness. International sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
and their importance has always been a heated debate across the globe. One group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
assert on the importance as it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brings
peace among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
while other group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
find it meaningless and waste of money and time. In my opinion I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to the
first
opinion as having the international sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
certainly
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages intact to it.
“Before” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Before
reaching to final verdict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
’s discuss both views in detail.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, having an international sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
enormous advantage to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
host
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
First
and foremost the economic stability. Being the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
host
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
, more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
visit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
places that
eventually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
incremental growth in economy.
Furthermore
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the heat among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
that exists due to certain other affairs. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
You should probably use "help".
helps
The verb 'helps' is used with an infinitive: "to bring" or "bring".
bringing
multicultural masses at one platform, increasing interactions.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Host
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
the opportunity to showcase their culture, traditions to the whole world. Opening up arms to the world to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
familiar with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
values and level of hospitality.

To elucidate it
further
, there are numerous job opportunities introduced due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
that
also
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
The verb 'helps' is used with an infinitive: "to control" or "control".
controlling
unemployment. All these factors contribute to the eternal peace at global level.

To recapitulate the aforementioned argument, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bring
along
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
host
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to the world as a whole provided these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
are conducted
in their true essence. Any disadvantage to this phenomenon are negligible as compared to humongous merits.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that international sports events make an important contribution to world peace. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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