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Many countries are currently witnessing an increase in criminal activity among young people. Discuss reasons for this phenomenon and suggest ways to deal with the problem. v.2

Many countries are currently witnessing an increase in criminal activity among young people. Discuss reasons for this phenomenon and suggest ways to deal with the problem. v. 2
With the expansion of urbanization, more and more peoples move from rural area to urban city. As the number of people in the city increases, so do the problems associated with the population growth. Among all these problems, the increase of crime rate has rose a special concern from the parental group. In this essay, we will reveal the root causes to this problem along with some suggestions. To begin with, the first and foremost reason to this problem is that parent do not have enough time paying on their children. Generally speaking, it is a common phenomenon in the metropolises that both father and mother need going out for work to sustain the family expenditures. Taking an example in Hong Kong, the working hour usually starts at 9 am and end in 6 pm, excluding the time of commuting where it usually cost 2 hours a day. The time is extremely insufficient for these parents to pay on their children, especially for the child who has behavior problem. Even though it is unavoidable for parent to go working, the problem is surmountable by alternative path. To address the situation, both parents and employers pay a determined role. Firstly, company should adopt the telecommuting to employees, where allow employees to work at home and access the office resource using computer. For those workers who have child, the time freed from physical commuting can be used to spend on their child. It is crucial to the children as the parents can identify the misbehavior prior to the problem getting worse. Also, the governments should also advocate employers to implement flexible working hours which provides employees more control on their time to look after their child. All in all, the main culprit of the problem is that the parents cannot allocate enough time to their child, but it can be resolved by the joint effort of both the parents and the employers. As traditional wisdom told us that our children are the master of future society, we on no account allow this situation getting deteriorated.
With the expansion of urbanization, more and more peoples
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
from rural area to urban city. As the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the city increases,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
do the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
associated with the population growth. Among all these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, the increase of crime rate has
Use the past participle "risen" after the modal (auxiliary) verb 'has'.
rose
a special concern from the parental group. In this essay, we will reveal the root causes to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
along with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
suggestions.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
first
and foremost reason to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
paying on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Generally
speaking, it is a common phenomenon in the metropolises that both father and mother need going out for work to sustain the family expenditures. Taking an example in Hong Kong, the working hour
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
at 9 am and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
in 6 pm, excluding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of commuting where it
usually
cost 2 hours a day. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is
extremely
insufficient for these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to pay on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
especially
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
who has behavior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
Even though
it is unavoidable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
to go working, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is surmountable by alternative path.

To address the situation, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and employers pay a determined role.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
should adopt the telecommuting to employees, where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
employees to work at home and access the office resource using computer. For those workers who have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
freed from physical commuting can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to spend on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
. It is crucial to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can identify the misbehavior prior to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
getting worse.
Also
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should
also
advocate employers to implement flexible working hours which provides employees more control on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to look after their child.

All in all, the main culprit of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
cannot allocate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it can
be resolved
by the joint effort of both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and the employers. As traditional wisdom
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
us that our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are the master of future society, we on no account
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
this situation getting deteriorated.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Many countries are currently witnessing an increase in criminal activity among young people. Discuss reasons for this phenomenon and suggest ways to deal with the problem. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
343 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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