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International sporting events make an important contribution to internal peace. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.2

International sporting events make an important contribution to internal peace. with this opinion? v. 2
Nowadays, many hold the view that global sporting competitions are beneficial to world peace. However, there is a body of opinion which claims that it may be useless and even detrimental to internal peace. In this essay, I will examine both sides of the debate and give my opinion. To begin with, it is undeniable that worldwide sporting events make the participants from different nations know each other better. As the events provide various athletes with a same place to compete in, they would have a golden opportunity to know and talk frequently with athletes abroad. In addition, athletes from different countries would respect each other after the competition as every participant is the expert in the field of their own country. For examples, runners from Africa, especially some developing countries could show their talent in running and obtain the world’s resepect. On the other hand, nevertheless, the intensive competition may arouse some violence conflicts. Since the goal of joining the game is to win, participants who represent their nation would try their best to win the champion but the process and result may make the audience piss off. For examples, it’s common to see the fans of two different nation’s football clubs fighting after the game just because one team lost the game. To summarise, there is no doubt that international sporting events make the athletes know more about and respect each other. At the same time, nonetheless, violence conflict brought by it is not to be neglected. In the final analysis, one can only conclude that the effect of the competitions to internal peace is positive.
Nowadays,
Possible agreement error. The noun hold seems to be countable; consider using: "many holds".
many hold
the view that global sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitions
are beneficial to world peace.
However
, there is a body of opinion which claims that it may be useless and even detrimental to internal peace. In this essay, I will examine both sides of the debate and give my opinion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is undeniable that worldwide sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the participants from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nations know each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
better. As the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
provide various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
with a same place to compete in, they would have a golden opportunity to know and talk
frequently
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
abroad.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries would respect each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
after the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
as every participant is the expert in the field of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
country. For examples, runners from Africa,
especially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their talent in running and obtain the world’s
Possible spelling mistake found.
resepect
.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
nevertheless
, the intensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
may arouse
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
violence conflicts. Since the goal of joining the game is to win, participants who represent their nation would try their best to win the champion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the process and result may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the audience
This word is considered offensive.
piss
off. For examples, it’s common to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the fans of two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nation’s football clubs fighting after the game
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
one team lost the game.

To
Possible spelling mistake. 'summarise' is British English.
summarise
, there is no doubt that international sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
know more about and respect each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
. At the same time, nonetheless, violence conflict brought by it is not to
be neglected
. In the final analysis, one can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
conclude that the effect of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitions
to internal peace is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay International sporting events make an important contribution to internal peace. with this opinion? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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