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Some people say that health care and education should be the responsibility of the government but others think that it is the responsibility of the individuals themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.8

Some people say that health care and education should be the responsibility of the government but others think that it is the responsibility of the individuals themselves. v. 8
A significant number of individuals believe that maintaining health and studies should be the job of the state; however, others consider that people should take care of their own. Before reaching a conclusion, this essay will discuss both aspects. To begin with, the state should take a stand in aiding basic necessities because many people cannot afford these requirements. Good health and academics are costly parameters and many individuals lack the financial income to support these requirements, as a result, it impacts the nation with low literacy rate and poor health conditions. For instance, Ghana nation in Africa has highest poverty level as compared with rest of the African continent and according to the UN data, the people of the nation are more vulnerable to infections and lacks awareness. However, others believe that people should have ownership in health care and education sector because these skills make them an independent and strong candidate to face various challenges in life. Individuals should take responsibility for their own needs as it benefits them in future. For example, taking care of health makes the good habit of a healthy lifestyle and benefits the upcoming generation also by passing it to another legacy. As a result, it improves the living standard of an individual. Hence, individuals should take responsibility for developing themselves. In my opinion, while people should command their life by taking a stand in controlling their health and improving education, I believe government involvement is must to aid people financially in these departments especially in developing nations where people have less source of income.
A significant number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
believe that maintaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and studies should be the job of the state;
however
, others consider that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should take care of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
reaching a conclusion, this essay will discuss both aspects.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the state should take a stand in aiding
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot afford these requirements.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and academics are costly parameters and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
lack the financial income to support these requirements,
as a result
, it impacts the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
with low literacy rate and poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
conditions.
For instance
, Ghana
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
in Africa has
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
poverty level as compared with rest of the African continent and according to the UN data, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
are more vulnerable to infections and lacks awareness.

However
, others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have ownership in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care and education sector
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them an independent and strong candidate to face various challenges in life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Individuals
should take responsibility for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
needs as it benefits them
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.
For example
, taking care of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
habit of a healthy lifestyle and benefits the upcoming generation
also
by passing it to another legacy.
As a result
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
the living standard of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
should take responsibility for developing themselves.

In my opinion, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should command their life by taking a stand in controlling their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and improving education, I believe
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
involvement is
After 'must', the verb is used without 'to'. Probably, you should use "must" or "have to" here.
must to
aid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
financially
in these departments
especially
in developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have less source of income.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that health care and education should be the responsibility of the government but others think that it is the responsibility of the individuals themselves. v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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