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Some people say that government should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems to help people prevent illness and disease. To what extend do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people say that government should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems to help people prevent illness and disease. v. 1
There is no doubt that people’s health will be influenced directly or indirectly by the environment and housing condition. Whether governments should focus more on the environment and the estate has triggered a controversy. I feel that individuals should take more responsibility for their well-being other than government’s increasing attention. Indeed, the environmental problems and housing conditions are two main sources of illness and diseases. In many large cities, for example, in northern China, hazy weather is becoming a daily killer, especially causing respiratory diseases in winter. Also, the populace will easily access to viruses and bacteria if they live in a poor housing condition without any advanced sanitation. Therefore, governments should give more attention and higher investment in these two areas. Compared to individuals, governments have more power to arrange a wide range of social resources to address severe issues; however, it does not mean that addressing this problem totally depends on governments. The state is an organizer or a coordinator in our society instead of a responsibility taker. Although governments can claim people to enhance the awareness of environment protection, make policy to strengthen the environment management and invest estate where they need, public health condition is still a personal problem to some degree. For instance, people have the obligation to form and keep healthy and positive lifestyle, or they will still face the threat of illness and diseases even environment and housing condition getting better. In conclusion, people can also need to take responsibility for their well-being as governments only hold a position as organizer and coordinator. The most feasible solution may be that governments provide a fine setting on one hand and public should pursue a healthy lifestyle for themselves on the other hand.
There is no doubt that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s health will
be influenced
directly
or
indirectly
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
and housing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
condition
. Whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should focus more on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
and the estate has triggered a controversy. I feel that individuals should take more responsibility for their well-being other than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government’s
increasing attention.

Indeed
, the environmental problems and housing conditions are two main sources of illness and diseases. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
large cities,
for example
, in northern China, hazy weather is becoming a daily killer,
especially
causing respiratory diseases in winter.
Also
, the populace will
easily
access to viruses and bacteria if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a poor housing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
condition
without any advanced sanitation.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should give more attention and higher investment in these two areas.

Compared to individuals,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
have more power to arrange a wide range of social resources to address severe issues;
however
, it does not mean that addressing this problem
totally
depends on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
. The state is an organizer or a coordinator in our society
instead
of a responsibility taker. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
can claim 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to enhance the awareness of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
protection,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
policy to strengthen the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
management and invest estate where they need, public health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
condition
is
still
a personal problem to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
degree.
For instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have the obligation to form and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
healthy and 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
 lifestyle, or they will
still
face the threat of illness and diseases even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
and housing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
condition
getting better.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
also
need to take responsibility for their well-being as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
hold a position as organizer and coordinator. The most feasible solution may be that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
provide a fine setting on one hand and public should pursue a healthy lifestyle for themselves
on the other hand
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that government should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems to help people prevent illness and disease. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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