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Some people say that globalization will lead to a loss of cultural identity. Others think that globalization will result in world peace and harmony. To what extent do you agree with either sentence? v.1

Some people say that globalization will lead to a loss of cultural identity. Others think that globalization will result in world peace and harmony. v. 1
The discussion about the pros and cons of globalization has been occurring throughout the world. It is a fact that sharing among a wider range of people in all components would be beneficial for most countries. As a result of peace and the international relations, the development of globalization is undoubted. It is obvious that globalization is about the economic benefit. Throughout history, the most common reason of wars is economic interest (power) that one country’s wish to take control of another country’s wealth. When these countries try to communicate about their result, the economic benefit stand at first, such as China, India and some countries in the Silk Road. Because of the huge profit of this trade route, opening long-distance political relations between their civilizations was rapidly growing. In fact, the economic benefits strengthen the relationship among countries which is the catalyst for world peace. From another point of view, globalization is how the world is shrinking in the sense that people can communicate with each other by the use of technology, especially the internet. This diminishes the physical boundaries of places on the world and cultural aspect. As a result, globalization makes a social change. Take some international events at the beginning of 2020 as examples. When Australia suffered from bush fires, many countries donated to rescue and give treatments to the injured animal, especially the endangered one. By doing so, not only the natural surface of Australia is saved, but the world’s environmental status is also balanced and improved. Another example is that the fast-spreading of virus in China. The collaboration and sharing information among scientists around the world in the racing to find a treatment saves a lot of time. Nowadays, globalization affects many others aspects of human lives. The society is open multilateral and has more abundance. Therefore, globalization that caused by harmony is still an upward trend in the next few years and keeps the global peace by itself.
The discussion about the pros and cons of globalization has been occurring throughout the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
. It is a fact that sharing among a wider range of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in all components would be beneficial for most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
As a result
of peace and the international relations, the development of globalization
is undoubted
.

It is obvious that globalization is about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
benefit. Throughout history, the most common reason of wars is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
interest (power) that one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
wish to take control of another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
wealth. When these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
try to communicate about their result, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
benefit stand at
first
, such as China, India and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
in the Silk Road.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the huge profit of this trade route, opening long-distance political relations between their civilizations was
rapidly
growing. In fact, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
benefits strengthen the relationship among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
which is the catalyst for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
peace.

From another point of view, globalization is how the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
is shrinking in the sense that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can communicate with each other by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of technology,
especially
the internet. This diminishes the physical boundaries of places on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
and cultural aspect.
As a result
, globalization
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
. Take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
international
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
at the beginning of 2020 as examples. When Australia suffered from bush fires,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
donated to rescue and give treatments to the injured animal,
especially
the endangered one. By doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the natural surface of Australia
is saved
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world’s
environmental status is
also
balanced and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
. Another example is that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-spreading of virus in China. The collaboration and sharing information among scientists around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
in the racing to find a treatment saves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time.

Nowadays, globalization affects
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others aspects of human
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. The society is open multilateral and has more abundance.
Therefore
, globalization that caused by harmony is
still
an upward trend in the
next
few years and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
the global peace by itself.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that globalization will lead to a loss of cultural identity. Others think that globalization will result in world peace and harmony. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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