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Many people strive to maintain a successful career and happy family life at the same time. What problems can this situation create? What are the possible solutions? v.2

Many people strive to maintain a successful career and happy family life at the same time. What problems can this situation create? What are the possible solutions? v. 2
Several individuals are endeavouring hard to maintain a balance between job and family life. This essay will first, suggest that the biggest problem suffered by individuals in maintaining work-life fit is the rise in stress level and further outline, that the most viable solution to this issue is the adequate hiring of the new workforce and proper delegation of tasks by the employer A principle problem experienced by employees in managing the career and personal life is the increase in pressure and tension. This is to say, Employees struggle hard to give equal importance to both office and family life, thus suffer from immense pressure, anxiety and mental issues, which eventually leads to the breakdown of family and professional life. To elucidate, a recent study conducted by The National Institute Of Neurology found that more than 80 percent of people are suffering from some form of depression and over 60 percent of them mentioned balancing work-life as the main reason. A possible solution of the aforementioned problem is that employers must hire workforce depending on the work size and should ensure that there is a proper delegation of work. This is to say, employing an adequate number of employees will assure equitable distribution of duties and responsibilities among them. As a result, they will not only be able to complete the projects within the deadline, but will also be able to fulfil their family needs. To exemplify, one of my friends who regularly complained about the stress in managing job and personal life, was prescribed anti-depressants for the same, showed significant improvement when new hiring initiated and work load reduced To conclude, individuals are facing a rise in stress levels because of balancing and giving equal priority to both career and loved ones. However, the problem can be tackled with the necessary steps taken by the employer by hiring sufficient employees and lowering the work load with proper delegation of work.
Several individuals are
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavouring' is British English.
endeavouring
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to maintain a balance between job and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. This essay will
first
, suggest that the biggest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
suffered by individuals in maintaining work-life fit is the rise in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
level and
further
outline, that the most viable solution to this issue is the adequate hiring of the new workforce and proper delegation of tasks by the
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
employer


A principle
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
experienced by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
in managing the career and personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is the increase in pressure and tension. This is to say,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Employees
struggle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to give equal importance to both office and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
thus
suffer from immense pressure, anxiety and mental issues, which
eventually
leads to the breakdown of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. To elucidate, a recent study conducted by The National Institute Of Neurology found that more than 80 percent of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are suffering from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
form of depression and over 60 percent of them mentioned balancing work-life as the main reason.

A possible solution of the aforementioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is that employers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
hire workforce depending on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
size and should ensure that there is a proper delegation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. This is to say, employing an adequate number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
will assure equitable distribution of duties and responsibilities among them.
As a result
, they will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be able to complete the projects within the deadline,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
will
also
be able to fulfil their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
needs. To exemplify, one of my friends who
regularly
complained about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
in managing job and personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
was prescribed
anti-depressants for the same,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
significant improvement when new hiring initiated and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
load
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
reduced


To conclude
, individuals are facing a rise in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
levels
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of balancing and giving equal priority to both career and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones.
However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
can
be tackled
with the necessary steps taken by the employer by hiring sufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
and lowering the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
load with proper delegation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people strive to maintain a successful career and happy family life at the same time. What problems can this situation create? What are the possible solutions? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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