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Some people say that giving a smaller amount of money weekly to children will help them become more capable of managing their money as they grow older. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people say that giving a smaller amount of money weekly to children will help them become more capable of managing their money as they grow older. v. 1
An encouraging habit that will sharpen children’s skills regarding personal finance in the long run is providing pocket money. On one hand, I am inclined to believe that as children are given a little amount of money, they will effortlessly gain knowledge and financial concepts. On the other hand, hardly can we deny that there are so many potential downsides which negatively affect the spending habit of those children. To assess the reason why more and more parents giving their children money on a daily basis, we must bring the considerable advantages into focus. Assuming a child was struggling to cope with the heavy workload from school, buying some new toys or spending on a night out with friends would be therapeutic for his or her mental health. In fact, not only can youngsters have a sum of money at their disposal, but they also have a fund in case of emergency. In addition, it is significant to shower our close ones with presents by the money that we saved up over a period of time. Another event that might require any individuals to have some amount of money with them is philanthropic activities, such as the case we donate to the impoverished beggars. Although so far, one can readily draw the conclusion that allowing kids to have money in their pocket, we must put the downside effects of this teaching method into perspective before judging whether every parent should follow it or not. Overspending money on antisocial or even illegal activities such as addictive games or drugs, children will absolutely ruin their future and become a disappointment to their family reputation. Moreover, spoiled adolescence might be appealed by social vice and gather with bad friends at parties all day without progressing their academic and personal growth. On top of that, because of receiving money without having to work, the kids failed to realize how much effort their parents have put into, and therefore those kids express no appreciation of the value of money. In summary, they point me to the conclusion that in principle, giving schoolchildren money can be a way to teach money management, but in practice, it may also lead children to the wrong path of life.
An encouraging habit that will sharpen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
regarding personal finance in the long run is providing pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. On one hand, I
am inclined
to believe that as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, they will
effortlessly
gain knowledge and financial concepts.
On the other hand
, hardly can we deny that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
potential downsides which
negatively
affect the spending habit of those children.

To assess the reason why more and more parents giving their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on a daily basis, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
bring the considerable advantages into focus. Assuming a child was struggling to cope with the heavy workload from school, buying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
new toys or spending on a night out with friends would be therapeutic for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
mental health. In fact, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can youngsters have a sum of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
at their disposal,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
also
have a fund in case of emergency.
In addition
, it is significant to shower our close ones with presents by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
that we saved up over a period of time. Another
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
that might require any individuals to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
with them is philanthropic activities, such as the case we donate to the impoverished beggars.

Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far, one can
readily
draw the conclusion that allowing kids to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in their pocket, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
put the downside effects of this teaching method into perspective
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
judging whether every parent should follow it or not. Overspending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on antisocial or even illegal activities such as addictive games or drugs,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
absolutely
ruin their future and become a disappointment to their family reputation.
Moreover
, spoiled adolescence might
be appealed
by social vice and gather with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
friends at parties all day without progressing their academic and personal growth.
On top of that
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of receiving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
without having to work, the kids failed to realize how much effort their parents have put into, and
therefore
those kids express no appreciation of the value of money.

In summary, they point me to the conclusion that in principle, giving schoolchildren
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can be a way to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
management,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in practice, it may
also
lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
path of life.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that giving a smaller amount of money weekly to children will help them become more capable of managing their money as they grow older. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
370 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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