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Some people say that devoting one’s time to family activities is more important than spending time working. Others believe that dedicating one’s time working. v.1

Some people say that devoting one’s time to family activities is more important than spending time working. Others believe that dedicating one’s time working. v. 1
It is a common belief that spending time for work has more beneficial than time for family. However, there is a more persuasive concern that spending time for member in family is necessary to develop completely emotion in human. On the one hand, paying more attention to work is so important to the stability in family’s financial. Because the overall happiness in family depends much on the amount of money that members earn. That is why people should spend more time for work to improve careers. For instance, having a stable job, good salary, people easy to get more time for entertainment with family such as going travel or picnic at weekend. Member of family sometimes miss out some special events of each other, but it does not mean that they do not care about their family. It is a simple trade-off in developing your future and increasing family’s living standard. Nevertheless, taking more time to family is more valuable than, because it contributes much on the happiness of people and whole family. Family time is always fun and relaxation, while we are easy to get stressed in working time. According to parents spend more time to their children, they may understand clearly their daughters or sons, and guiding them in right career or future. In some opposite cases, having lots of crimes are children who have upset story about their family, their parents do not listen to them or do not understand their feelings. It is not expectation in the modern world with have many kinds of bad attraction. Family time is a good method for everyone that sharing their stories, taking a break after stressing time. To sum up, while time for working is more useful than family, it is undeniable that family time have many benefits for each other, so it should be the most priority.
It is a common belief that spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for work has more beneficial than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
However
, there is a more persuasive concern that spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for member in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is necessary to develop completely emotion in human.

On the one hand, paying more attention to work is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to the stability in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family’s
financial.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
the
overall
happiness in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
depends much on the amount of money that members earn.
That is
why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for work to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
careers.
For instance
, having a stable job,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
salary,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for entertainment with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
such as going travel or picnic at weekend. Member of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
miss out
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
special
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
of each other,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it does not mean that they do not care about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. It is a simple trade-off in developing your future and increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family’s
living standard.

Nevertheless
, taking more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is more valuable than,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it contributes much on the happiness of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is always fun and relaxation, while we are easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
in working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. According to parents spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to their children, they may understand
clearly
their daughters or sons, and guiding them in right career or future. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
opposite cases, having lots of crimes are children who have upset story about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, their parents do not listen to them or do not understand their feelings. It is not expectation in the modern world with have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
kinds of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
attraction.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
method for everyone that sharing their stories, taking a break after stressing time.

To sum up, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for working is more useful than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits for each other,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it should be the most priority.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that devoting one’s time to family activities is more important than spending time working. Others believe that dedicating one’s time working. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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