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Some people say that children should play games which require teamwork such as football and basketball whereas, some think they should be doing individual sports such as swimming and running. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people say that children should play games which require teamwork such as football and basketball whereas, some think they should be doing individual sports such as swimming and running. v. 1
It is argued that in spare time, youngsters should play kind of games like football and basketball which require teamwork. While I agree with this argument for some extends, I believe that children should also play individual games such as swimming and running. On the one hand, in my opinion, there are several benefits for children when they play teammate games. Firstly, it is often more enjoyable when children can play with their friends. According to a recent research, scientists have confirmed that the number of children playing games with their peers is more satisfying than those who play alone. Secondly, while joining in these types of games, children can learn how to communicate and be a part of a team. For example, in order to win a match of a game, they cannot rely on solely one person, so they have to work together and make a plan to achieve their goal. On the other hand, I also believe participating in individual activities has many advantages. One advantage is that playing alone is much easier because they do not have to gather a group of people to operate a game. For instance, if a child wants to improve his running performance, instead of wasting time waiting to run with someone, he can practice whenever he wants. Another advantage is that the development of such crucial characteristic as independence is attributed mostly in doing individual activities. This ability plays an important role in the success of a person, because this kind of person is capable of leading other and achieve high goal. In conclusion, although team activities have many positive consequences to children, individual games also have their own advantages. So, I would argue that children should play both types of games.
It
is argued
that in spare time, youngsters should
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play
kind of
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games
like football and basketball which require teamwork. While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this argument for
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some
extends, I believe that
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children
should
also
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play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
such as swimming and running.

On the one hand, in my opinion, there are several benefits for
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children
when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
teammate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Firstly
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
more enjoyable when
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children
can
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play
with their friends. According to a recent research, scientists have confirmed that the number of
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children
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
with their peers is more satisfying than those who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
alone.
Secondly
, while joining in these types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can learn how to communicate and be a part of a team.
For example
, in order to win a match of a game, they cannot rely on
solely
one person,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work together and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a plan to achieve their goal.

On the other hand
, I
also
believe participating in
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individual
activities has
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many
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advantages
. One
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advantage
is that playing alone is much easier
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because
they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
gather a group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to operate a game.
For instance
, if a child wants to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
his running performance,
instead
of wasting time waiting to run with someone, he can practice whenever he wants. Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantage
is that the development of such crucial characteristic as independence
is attributed
mostly
in doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
activities. This ability
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plays
an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the success of a person,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this kind of person is capable of leading other and achieve high goal.

In conclusion
, although team activities have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
The usual preposition to use after "consequences" is not "to". Did you mean "consequences of", "consequences for", or "consequences on"?
consequences to
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children
,
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individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
also
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
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advantages
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I would argue that
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children
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
both types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Some people say that children should play games which require teamwork such as football and basketball whereas, some think they should be doing individual sports such as swimming and running. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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