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Some people think sending criminals to prison is not an effective way to deal with them. Education and training are better. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.3

Some people think sending criminals to prison is not an effective way to deal with them. Education and training are better. v. 3
There is a growing concern among many people that imprisonment is no longer the best solution in the fight for fighting against crime, and some other that educational methods seem to bring more satisfying outcomes. In my viewpoint, I am partly supportive of this proposed change because both two approaches have their own distinctive advantages. The first point to note is that admittedly, incarceration, to some extent, has contributed to reduce reducing the crime rate and guarantee social security. Firstly, Severe severe prison sentences can act as a deterrent against committing offender, which hinder potential lawbreakers from becoming actual criminals and crimes from re-offending. For instance, knowing there might be a chance of being condemned to jail, those who are having the intention of committing illegalities would reconsider rejecting dark designs. Secondly, house of detention, the only place to keep those who have done wicked things such as murders, rapists, . . . in captivity, can serve as an invisible fence to ensure the safety of other law-abiding citizens. On the other hand, confinement, in many cases, can not be able to eradicate this heated issue. However, education might serve as a remedy for the essence of delinquency. Firstly, accessing to better educational service, citizens can be well-informed about the damage that committing crimes would cause to the community and even themselves. This thing would make them dispel ideas of breaking law. Secondly, education is of the most critical method to rehabilitate offenders. Vocational training, for example, can help crimes after being released formerly incarcerated persons become marketable employees and then take up proper occupation. Education and training, therefore, are the prerequisite to criminals’ reintegration into the community, leading to a lower rate of recidivism. In conclusion, I believe that accompanying with imprisonment, providing better education to everyone, criminals, in particular, might will certainly tackle the roots of crimes
There is a growing concern among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that imprisonment is no longer the best solution in the fight for fighting against
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other that educational methods seem to bring more satisfying outcomes. In my viewpoint, I am partly supportive of this proposed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
both two approaches have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
distinctive advantages.

The
first
point to note is that
admittedly
, incarceration, to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, has contributed to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
reducing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate and guarantee social security.
Firstly
,
Possible typo: you repeated a word
Severe severe
prison sentences can act as a deterrent against committing offender, which hinder potential lawbreakers from becoming actual criminals and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
from re-offending.
For instance
, knowing there might be a chance of
being condemned
to jail, those who are having the intention of committing illegalities would reconsider rejecting dark designs.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
of detention, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
those who have done wicked things such as murders, rapists
Did you just mean "," or "."?
, .
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
captivity, can serve as an invisible fence to ensure the safety of other law-abiding citizens.

On the other hand
, confinement, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases, can not be able to eradicate this heated issue.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
might serve as a remedy for the essence of delinquency.
Firstly
, accessing to better educational service, citizens can be well-informed about the damage that committing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
would cause to the community and even themselves. This thing would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them dispel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
of breaking law.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is of the most critical method to rehabilitate offenders. Vocational training,
for example
, can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
after
being released
formerly
incarcerated persons become marketable employees and then take up proper occupation.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
and training,
therefore
, are the prerequisite to criminals’ reintegration into the community, leading to a lower rate of recidivism.

In conclusion
, I believe that
The usual collocation for "accompany" is "by," not "with." It is better to say this: "accompanying by".
accompanying with
imprisonment, providing better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
to everyone, criminals,
in particular
, might will
certainly
tackle the roots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people think sending criminals to prison is not an effective way to deal with them. Education and training are better. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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