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Some people say that arts subjects such as painting or drawing should not be made compulsory for high school students. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people say that arts subjects such as painting or drawing should not be made compulsory for high school students. v. 1
In these days, many mass medias and publicities inform the positive points of art. In line with this trend, several people claim that high school students have to learn art subjects such as painting mandatorily. From my point of view, learning art subjects must be chosen depending on high school students’ will and educational institutions do not have to compel. In this essay, the reason why I totally disagree with former opinion will be discussed along with my ideas. Admittedly, it is fact that to learn art subjects contain a lot of merits. By learning such educational content, students can increase their creativity and experience an aesthetic stability. In detail, according to a research for American, the group of students who have been studying art have the higher value for EQ rather than the other group of students. Therefore, numerous number of schools are trying to put the subject into a time table of tuition. In addition, some students are able to figure out their talent for art and they can spread their wings following to the art’s road. They not only can obtain a definite occupation but also educational facilities and a country that is bigger perspective can expect to come out brilliant talented person like Picasso. Nevertheless, I believe that high school students have to get the option. First of all, they generally prepare to matriculate at a university. Thus, they would get lots of pressure and stress. In this situation, if they learn a subject that they do not want, it can affect as an adverse point. For instance, in the case of Korea, if a student wishes to enter a college, they have to take the Korea Scholastic Aptitude Test which does not involve art subject. Hence, no one wants to study the secondary subjectsubject except for a student who is majoring in drawing. Because typical students hope to concentrate on main subjects to accomplish their purpose. In other words, they cannot waste their time for studying painting. As a result, institute had better give a right of choice if they do not want to disturb students’ dream. To sum up, from my perspective, art education has many advantages such as to multiply students’ creativity. However, high school students should be able to choose whether to learn the subject or not.
In these days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
mass medias and
Possible spelling mistake found.
publicities
inform the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
points of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
. In line with this trend, several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as painting
Possible spelling mistake found.
mandatorily
. From my point of view, learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be chosen
depending on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
will and educational institutions do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
compel. In this essay, the reason why I
totally
disagree with former opinion will
be discussed
along with my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
.

Admittedly
, it is fact that to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
contain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
merits. By learning such educational content,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can increase their creativity and experience an aesthetic stability. In detail, according to
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
for American, the group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who have been studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
have the higher value for EQ
rather
than the other group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
Therefore
, numerous number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are trying to put the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
into a time table of tuition.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are able to figure out their talent for
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
art and
they can spread their wings following to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art’s
road. They not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can obtain a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
occupation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
educational facilities and a country
that is
bigger perspective can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
out brilliant talented person like Picasso.

Nevertheless
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the option.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, they
generally
prepare to matriculate at a university.
Thus
, they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
lots of pressure and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. In this situation, if they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
that they do not want, it can affect as an adverse point.
For instance
, in the case of Korea, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
wishes to enter a college, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take the Korea Scholastic Aptitude
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Test
which does not involve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
.
Hence
, no one wants to study the secondary
Possible spelling mistake found.
subjectsubject
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
except for
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
who is majoring in drawing.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
typical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
hope to concentrate on main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
to accomplish their purpose.
In other words
, they cannot waste their time for studying painting.
As a result
, institute had better give a right of choice if they do not want to disturb
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
dream.

To sum up, from my perspective,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
education has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages such as to multiply
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
creativity.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should be able to choose whether to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
or not.
20Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
43Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay Some people say that arts subjects such as painting or drawing should not be made compulsory for high school students. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
385 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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