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nowadays it is possible to move ocean creatures from their natural habitat at sea and have them relocated to marine parks for the purpose of education and entertainment. Do you think advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages v.1

nowadays it is possible to move ocean creatures from their natural habitat at sea and have them relocated to marine parks for the purpose of education and entertainment. Do you think advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages v. 1
The question of moving ocean creature by their natural habitat in captivity is one of the topics that bring to heated arguments P. E. T. A and scientist, because of it's the opposition between the right of freedom of the animals and the scientific research. Obviously every animal should have the right to be free, because for me, it's an unfair treatment for a living creature, that use to swim through the oceans, eat the product of nature, hunt prey for its surviving, being caged in an aquarium or in a little piece of sea that is incomparable with natural space. For example, this situation is As well as to a prison for a person, where you can't do anything and your living space are limited, but with a fundamental difference that at the majority of the time you go into prison for your own fault, but for the animals it's a sentence decided by no one. Moreover it's the worst approach to study an animal because, in this context, it behaves in a different way. The best method for me is observe them in their natural habitat, in which it can interact with all the different life forms. In the other hand cage an animal for entertainment is the worst things that a human can do, it's comparable to an animal behaviour too. In short, in my opinion disadvantages of this development outweigh the advantages, and then the only thing that we can do, it's to leave all the natural things and the life forms where they are if the aim of moving it is recreative of scientific.
The question of moving ocean creature by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
habitat in captivity is one of the topics that bring to heated arguments P. E. T. A and scientist,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
the opposition between the right of freedom of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and the scientific research.

Obviously
every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
should have the right to be free,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
for me,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
an unfair treatment for a living creature, that
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
swim through the oceans, eat the product of nature, hunt prey for its surviving,
being caged
in an aquarium or in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
piece of sea
that is
incomparable with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
space.
For example
, this situation is
As well
as to a prison for a person, where you can't do anything and your living space
are limited
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
with a fundamental difference that at the majority of the time you go into prison for your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
fault,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
a sentence decided by no one.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
the worst approach to study an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, in this context, it behaves in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
way. The best method for me is
Consider using a past participle here: "observed".
observe
them in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
habitat, in which it can interact with all the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
life forms. In the other hand cage an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
for entertainment is the worst things that a human can do,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
comparable to an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
too.

In short, in my opinion disadvantages of this development outweigh the advantages, and then the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
thing that we can do,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
natural
things and the life forms where they are if the aim of moving it is
Possible spelling mistake found.
recreative
of scientific.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay nowadays it is possible to move ocean creatures from their natural habitat at sea and have them relocated to marine parks for the purpose of education and entertainment. Do you think advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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