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Some people say that all young people should have full-time education until they are 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.4

Some people say that all young people should have full-time education until they are 18 years old. with this opinion? v. 4
Educating youngsters have evolved into a major topic of concern in this era. Some people claim that it should be obligatory for the youth to receive a full-time education until they are 18 years old. This essay will argue why educating full-time is entirely necessary for young people are under 18 years old. Firstly, youngsters who received a full-time education have more opportunities to expand their knowledge. This is because these people spend most of their time in class learning about different areas such as history, maths or literature. As a result, they would acquire a huge amount of common knowledge, which not only helps them in archiving higher academic performances, but also possibly give them innumerable chances to solve complicated problems in daily life. For example, with the aid of knowledge of Biology, the young are able to know how the immune system of body works and many chronic diseases in the past could be now curable with the judicious use of antibiotics. Teenagers would have chances to broaden their horizons when being educated full-time. In addition, a full-time education can act as a deterrent to young people from witnessing violent actions or negative habits on the Internet. In other words, the deleterious contents on the Internet could adversely affect individuals who are under 18 years old because they are mentally vulnerable. Indeed, there have been some recorded instances of unfortunate violence in schools relating to the Internet’s violent videos which are being widely spread. Those clips contained violent content and challenges to the audiences to do as what video makers did. Teenagers would follow what they see as they do not have a fully cognitive development. Having educated full-time can have possible effects on raising young people’s consciousness and not committing crime. In conclusion, this essay argues whether it is necessary for youngsters to receive a full-time education. In my opinion, as such, is imperative due to the advantages which it offers is a chance to broaden the young’s horizons and raising in their awareness.
Educating youngsters have evolved into a major topic of concern in this era.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
claim that it should be obligatory for the youth to receive a full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
until they are 18 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. This essay will argue why educating full-time is
entirely
necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are under 18 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.

Firstly
, youngsters who received a full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
have more opportunities to expand their knowledge. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend most of their time in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
learning about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
areas such as history,
Possible spelling mistake. 'maths' is British English.
maths
or literature.
As a result
, they would acquire a huge amount of common knowledge, which not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them in archiving higher academic performances,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
possibly
give them innumerable chances to solve complicated problems in daily life.
For example
, with the aid of knowledge of Biology, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
are able to know how the immune system of body works and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
chronic diseases in the past could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
curable with the judicious
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of antibiotics.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
would have chances to broaden their horizons when
being educated
full-time.

In addition
, a full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
can act as a deterrent to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from witnessing violent actions or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
habits on the Internet.
In other words
, the deleterious contents on the Internet could
adversely
affect individuals who are under 18 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are mentally vulnerable.
Indeed
, there have been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
recorded instances of unfortunate violence in schools relating to the Internet’s violent videos which are being
widely
spread. Those clips contained violent content and challenges to the audiences to do as what video makers did.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
would follow what they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
as they do not have a
fully
cognitive development. Having educated full-time can have possible effects on raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
consciousness and not committing crime.

In conclusion
, this essay argues whether it is necessary for youngsters to receive a full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. In my opinion, as such, is imperative due to the advantages which it offers is a chance to broaden the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young’s
horizons and raising in their awareness.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that all young people should have full-time education until they are 18 years old. with this opinion? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
337 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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