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Some people say that all young people should have full-time education until they are 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.3

Some people say that all young people should have full-time education until they are 18 years old. with this opinion? v. 3
It is true that education for youngsters is a controversial issue in many countries. The debate focuses on the necessity of offering full time teaching for students before reaching the age of majority. While I accept some benefits this trend offers, I do not consider that students should study full-time. On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why children who are less than 18 years old should study full-time at school. Firstly, full-time education allows young people broaden their own knowledge about different fields through a wide range of subjects such as math, literature or history. As a result, basic knowledge will help a group of student fulfils essential skills which will serve in the future and give them countless opportunities to solve the complex problems in daily life. Secondly, teenagers have more tendency to develop violent behaviour because they witness frequently violent act through the internet or games. Therefore, young children will more likely to turn into crimes, causing the damaging effect on the society so studying full-time may reduce their time wasted on these doings and also lessen the burden for the society. On the other hand, I disagree that teenagers should be required to study full-time. One reason is that the incredible pressure of studying at school accounts for a great deal of how teenagers's spend their time so they easily suffer from stress and depression. For example, children in many developed countries like Korean or Japan become mentally disordered or have the nervous breakdown because they have to complete a large number of assignments. Another important factor is that adolescents should be encouraged to watch some kinds of TV shows which not only relax under pressure on homework but also develop their practical skills. This can bring positive impact on studying at school. In conclusion, it seems to me that young learners should balance their timetable by taking part in outdoor activities rather than studying day by day.
It is true that education for youngsters is a controversial issue in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries. The debate focuses on the necessity of offering full time teaching for students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching the age of majority. While I accept
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits this trend offers, I do not consider that students should study full-time.

On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why children who are less than 18 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
should study full-time at school.
Firstly
, full-time education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
broaden their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
knowledge about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fields through a wide range of subjects such as math, literature or history.
As a result
, basic knowledge will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
a group of student
Possible spelling mistake found.
fulfils
essential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which will serve in the future and give them countless opportunities to solve the complex problems in daily life.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
have more tendency to develop violent
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they witness
frequently
violent act through the internet or games.
Therefore
, young children will more likely to turn into crimes, causing the damaging effect on the society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
full-time may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their time wasted on these doings and
also
lessen the burden for the society.

On the other hand
, I disagree that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should
be required
to study full-time. One reason is that the incredible pressure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
at school accounts for a great deal of how
Did you mean "teenager's" or "teenagers'"?
teenagers's
spend their time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
easily
suffer from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and depression.
For example
, children in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
like Korean or Japan become mentally disordered or have the nervous breakdown
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
complete
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
assignments. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor is that adolescents should
be encouraged
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kinds of TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
which not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
relax under pressure on homework
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
develop their practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. This can bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
at school.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that young learners should balance their timetable by taking part in outdoor activities
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
day by day.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that all young people should have full-time education until they are 18 years old. with this opinion? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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