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Some people say that a person's success is as a result of the way he has been brought up by his parents. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people say that a person's success is as a result of the way he has been brought up by his parents. v. 2
There has been a lot of debate on the factors which makes any person successful. Some believe that it is largely dependant on the brought up of the child by his parents and I agree. Firstly, It is an established fact that the person during his developing age spends most of his time at home with his parents. At such an impressionable age, the child sees their actions and learns through observation. Any good actions he witnesses automatically become part of his habit and then embeds into his personality. For instance, a study carried out by Waterloo University suggested that the children who are reared apart from their parents at an early age are more unlikely to be like their parents, as compared to those who live with them till their teenage. Secondly, the parents give sense of good and bad to their child. They usually discourage the bad actions that their offspring does and sometimes would punish him for the abandoned act. This gives the child a sense of good deeds and bad deeds, which is essential for any person to be sucessful. For example, a study by The New York Times concluded that the children who are raised without the supervision of thier parents are more likely to be involved in illegal activities as compared to those who have been raised under the supervision. In conclusion, the majority of the time that the child spends with his parents and the sense of bad and good things that parents give, it can be said that the major reason for any persons success is his upbringing.
There has been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
debate on the factors which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
successful.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe that it is
largely
Did you mean "dependent" on?
dependant
on the brought up of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
by his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
.

Firstly
, It is
Consider using "a fact".
an established fact
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
during his developing age spends most of his time at home with his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. At such an impressionable age, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
their actions and learns through observation. Any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
actions he witnesses
automatically
become part of his habit and then embeds into his personality.
For instance
, a study carried out by Waterloo University suggested that the children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are reared
apart from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
at an early age are more unlikely to be like their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, as compared to those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with them till their teenage.

Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
give sense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
. They
usually
discourage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
actions that their offspring does and
The adverb 'sometimes' is usually put between 'would' and 'punish'.
sometimes would punish
him for the abandoned act. This gives the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
a sense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
deeds and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
deeds, which is essential for any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
to be
Possible spelling mistake found.
sucessful
.
For example
, a study by The New York Times concluded that the children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are raised
without the supervision of
Possible spelling mistake found.
thier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are more likely to
be involved
in illegal activities as compared to those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have
been raised
under the supervision.

In conclusion
, the majority of the time that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
spends with his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and the sense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
things that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
give, it can
be said
that the major reason for any
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "persons'" or "person's"?
persons
success is his upbringing.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Some people say that a person's success is as a result of the way he has been brought up by his parents. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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