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Some people say taxes should be spent on health care. Other people say that there more important priorities for the tax-payers’ money. Discuss both view and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people say taxes should be spent on health care. Other people say that there more important priorities for the tax-payers’ money. v. 1
People have differing views when talking about what is best for the people’s money. While others think that health care should be the utmost priority and therefore the budget allotted should be increased, in my view, I personally believe that balancing the allocated budget among other sectors such as education, employment, safety and security are necessary. On the one hand, I understand the people who agree on the given suggestion. Firstly, the health care these days almost cost people an arm and leg which makes it hard to access good health assistance. As a result, some individuals looked for alternative medicine which is a lot cheaper; however, it does not have proven therapeutic claims, unlikely sometimes; caused worsening of their health condition. Another reason is that, some remote areas still do not have decent hospitals. To illustrate, some of our fellow citizen risked the life of their loved ones or family traveling long distance in nearby cities to look for better treatment. Be that as it may, I believe that the national budget should be distributed evenly among other industries that are equally important. First of all, education should be one of the primary concerns. For instance, by giving awareness and knowledge to people, most of these diseases can be prevented. Secondly, employment should not be overlooked. If people have source of income they can afford quality medical assistance. Finally, safety should not be left out of the context. Because of the proliferation of crimes these days, the security should be doubled and the officials should intensify their move to fight these law offenders. All of these will be needing budget to be done effectively. In general, although I do not refute the idea of allocating tax money on the health care, I still believe that other sectors; education, employment, safety and security need an equal budget.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have differing views when talking about what is best for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
money. While others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care should be the utmost priority and
therefore
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
budget
allotted should
be increased
, in my view, I
personally
believe that balancing the allocated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
budget
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
sectors such as education, employment, safety and security are necessary.

On the one hand, I understand the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
suggestion.
Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care these days almost cost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
an arm and leg which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to access
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
assistance.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals looked for alternative medicine which is a lot cheaper;
however
, it does not have proven therapeutic claims, unlikely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
; caused worsening of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
condition. Another reason is that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
remote areas
still
do not have decent hospitals. To illustrate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of our fellow citizen risked the life of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones or family traveling long distance in nearby cities to look for better treatment.

Be that as it may, I believe that the national
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
budget
should
be distributed
evenly
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
industries that are
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, education should be one of the primary concerns.
For instance
, by giving awareness and knowledge to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, most of these diseases can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
.
Secondly
, employment should not
be overlooked
.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have source of income they can afford quality medical assistance.
Finally
, safety should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
out of the context.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the proliferation of crimes these days, the security should
be doubled
and the officials should intensify their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to fight these law offenders. All of these will
The verb 'needing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
be needing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
budget
to
be done
effectively
.

In general
, although I do not refute the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of allocating tax money on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care, I
still
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
sectors; education, employment, safety and security need an equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
budget
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people say taxes should be spent on health care. Other people say that there more important priorities for the tax-payers’ money. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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