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Some people say government should give the health care the first priority, some other believe there are more important priorities to spend the tax payers’ money. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people say government should give the health care the first priority, some other believe there are more important priorities to spend the tax payers’ money. v. 1
It is thought by many that the rising cause of obesity is due to eating fast food, but others think that increasing fatness problems can be resolved by changing the actual price of the food items. In my opinion, I agree with the idea of inflating the cost of such commodities to deal with corpulence and the supporting points will be discussed in the subsequent paragraphs. To begin with, the affordability of junk cuisine is a major concern which is leading to obesity. Firstly, fast edible in the markets is now available at very cheap charges which is easily accessible by the teenagers and adults. Masses prefer to eat this bread in the markets instead of eating home made sustenance. The only solution to deal with this is to increase the cost of items twice to the actual rate. For instance, if Burger is available at $3, raising its amount of $5 will think people to invest these bucks in the healthy commons instead of buying only burger. Besides, artificial sweeteners in junk food are also a concern. Not only, the consumption of fast food products is the only reason to increase the food expense, but also there is some food which has some artificial sweeteners in soaring amount. This type of food helps in accumulating excess fat in the liver, which in later stages lead to critical illness. Inflating the amount of these products will lead to less consumption. For example, it has been found that children who are eating junk food which has artificial sweeteners are obese at the age of 15. In conclusion, to tackle with this, high tariff can be an effective way to discourage the consumption of fast foods. In fact, if countries put this idea into practice, there will be fewer fat people around.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that the rising cause of obesity is due to eating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that increasing fatness problems can
be resolved
by changing the actual price of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
items. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of inflating the cost of such commodities to deal with corpulence and the supporting points will
be discussed
in the subsequent paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the affordability of junk cuisine is a major concern which is leading to obesity.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
edible in the markets is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
available at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
charges which is
easily
accessible by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and adults. Masses prefer to eat this bread in the markets
instead
of eating home made sustenance. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
solution to deal with this is to increase the cost of items twice to the actual rate.
For instance
, if Burger is available at $3, raising its amount of $5 will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to invest these bucks in the healthy commons
instead
of buying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
burger.

Besides
, artificial sweeteners in junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
are
also
a concern. Not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
, the consumption of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
products is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
reason to increase the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
expense,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
which has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
artificial sweeteners in soaring amount. This type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in accumulating excess
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
in the liver, which in later stages lead to critical illness. Inflating the amount of these products will lead to less consumption.
For example
, it has
been found
that children who are eating junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
which has artificial sweeteners are obese at the age of 15.

In conclusion
, to tackle with this, high tariff can be an effective way to discourage the consumption of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
. In fact, if countries put this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
into practice, there will be fewer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say government should give the health care the first priority, some other believe there are more important priorities to spend the tax payers’ money. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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