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Some people say job satisfaction is more important than job security, others think people cannot always enjoy their jobs. So, having a permanent job is more important. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people say job satisfaction is more important than job security, others think people cannot always enjoy their jobs. So, having a permanent job is more important. v. 1
All over the world, governments allocate a portion of their budget for the development of the arts and the culture of the state. The governments build museums and promote the visual arts which has an easy connect with the visitors from all categories. Some argue that the government spending in such areas is unnecessary and should invest in the public services instead. I completely disagree with this notion and the reasons are explained in the following paragraphs. First of all, the amount spent by the governments on such arts is too small when compared to the investment it makes in the public services. Hence diverting funds from the former to the latter may not achieve anything significant. Second, these arts on display help generate a considerable income for the government as they are always the best tourist attractions. For example, the Louvre Museum in Paris, which displays the paintings of the best ever artists attracts tourists from all over the world. Also, these artefacts greatly help the younger generation understand the culture and the traditions of our ancestors rather than being taught orally. It has been a custom in almost all the countries to take school children to such places. They entertain, inspire and educate people about the past which, in my opinion, is necessary in today's fast moving world. Hence, in my opinion, a judicious and a proper investment in the arts will never be a burden on the governments and will instead help them generate a good revenue which can be put to use for improving the public services.
All over the world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
allocate a portion of their budget for the development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and the culture of the state. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
build museums and promote the visual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
which has an easy connect with the visitors from all categories.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
argue that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
spending in such areas is unnecessary and should invest in the public services
instead
. I completely disagree with this notion and the reasons are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
in the following paragraphs.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the amount spent by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
on such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
is too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
when compared to the investment it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
in the public services.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
diverting funds from the former to the latter may not achieve anything significant. Second, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
on display
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
generate a considerable income for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
as they are always the best tourist attractions.
For example
, the Louvre Museum in Paris, which displays the paintings of the best ever artists attracts tourists from all over the world.

Also
, these
Possible spelling mistake. 'artefacts' is British English.
artefacts
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the younger generation understand the culture and the traditions of our ancestors
rather
than
being taught
orally
. It has been a custom in almost all the countries to take school children to such places. They entertain, inspire and educate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
about the past which, in my opinion, is necessary in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
moving world.

Hence
, in my opinion, a judicious and a proper investment in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
will never be a burden on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
and will
instead
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them generate a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
revenue which can
be put
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
for improving the public services.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Some people say job satisfaction is more important than job security, others think people cannot always enjoy their jobs. So, having a permanent job is more important. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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