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The bar graph below shows the percentage growth in average property prices in three different countries between 2007 and 2010. v.1

The bar graph below shows the percentage growth in average property prices in three different countries between 2007 and 2010. v. 1
There is no doubt these days’ employers’ requests personal detail while applying for a job. The Question is, is it useful and relative to give out your personal information while applying for job opportunities? This is considered one of the most controversial issues today. In this essay I'm going to discuss both views and draw my own opinion. In terms of advantages of giving your personal details to the corporation that you’re seeking a job at outweigh the disadvantages of not reveal personal details. The main reason giving to support this claim is that your personal information allows you to get the privilege from the company. To illustrate, once you mention that you’re married and have kids for example, you would get another allowance such as health insurance and flight tickets for your family. In other words, mention your personal reference would help you to utilize all your benefits. Consequently, informing employers about your personal details make you qualified to get all the allowance they offer. However, not submitting your personal specific details will definitely make you lose and not get the any privileges. Firstly, loss of privileges such as health insurance and flight tickets for family. In other words, you would lose some benefits which you deserve to get. Secondly, you lose the opportunities of getting any family invitations. This is because organization sometimes do an annual party for employees and whoever mentioned that he is married he will get invitation otherwise you will not get any invitations for your family as they don't know. Therefore, I believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of revealing your personal information. In Conclusion, giving out your personal info would make you eligible for all the allowances. However, not revealing your personal details can be significantly huge lost. Therefore, I believe giving your personal facts helps the company to give you the best offer you deserve.
There is no doubt these days’ employers’ requests
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
detail
while applying for a job. The Question is, is it useful and relative to give out your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
information while applying for job opportunities? This
is considered
one of the most controversial issues
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. In this essay I'm going to discuss both views and draw my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
opinion.

In terms of advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
giving
your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
details
to the corporation that you’re seeking a job at outweigh the disadvantages of not reveal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
details
. The main reason
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
giving
to support this claim is that your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
information
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
you to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the privilege from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. To illustrate, once you mention that you’re married and have kids
for example
, you would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
another allowance such as health insurance and flight tickets for your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
In other words
, mention your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
reference would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
you to utilize all your benefits.
Consequently
, informing employers about your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
details
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you qualified to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
all the allowance they offer.

However
, not submitting your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
details
will definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you lose and not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the any privileges.
Firstly
, loss of privileges such as health insurance and flight tickets for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
In other words
, you would lose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits which you deserve to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
.
Secondly
, you lose the opportunities of getting any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
invitations. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
organization
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
do an annual party for employees and whoever mentioned that he
is married
he will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
invitation
otherwise
you will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
any invitations for your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
as they don't know.
Therefore
, I believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of revealing your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
information.

In Conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
giving
out your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
info would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
you eligible for all the allowances.
However
, not revealing your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
details
can be
significantly
huge lost.
Therefore
, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
giving
your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
facts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
to give you the best offer you deserve.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar graph below shows the percentage growth in average property prices in three different countries between 2007 and 2010. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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