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Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits? v.15

Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits? v. 15
In the era of modernization, video games have been an obsession regardless the gender and age. With the aid of latest technology, the young learns to play games as early as one to two years old following their parents’ steps. Research shows that exposing gadgets to toddlers can cause negative effects towards their growth. Thus, we should realise how harmful video games can be if we fail to use it in a proper manner. Video games cause addiction and this can lead to many problems such as responsibility issues. Teenagers, usually have a hard time in delivering their everyday chores once they are stuck in front of the screen. It creates disciplinary problems as they fail to restrain themselves from spending too much time in front of the computer. They began to neglect their homework and assignments which not only put themselves in jeopardy but also their teammates if the task required teamwork. Furthermore, the vulgarity of certain video games has been proven to be the reason of aggressiveness inside a person. They easily get influenced by the video games as they are cut out from the outer world. The vulnerable group - the young adults, is the riskiest group as they are still in their development phase. There have the tendency to imitate the improper actions depicted in the video games in their daily life. Besides, health problems are increasing since video games are being introduced. Disease associated with bones and body posture seem to have the most drastic changes as people are healthier in the last 10 years. Not to mention, most people need to wear spectacles nowadays to help in their vision. I believe, that these have got to do with the ridiculous amount of time spent looking at those interactive images. Coming for self-defence: the self-claimed gamer once said that they manage to improve their English by playing more and more video games. Well, this is partly true as they may learn new vocabulary in a fun way compared to stuck-up their nose in a dictionary. Nevertheless, it only restricts in vocabulary wise, not in grammar as most of the games use simple everyday English rather than Queen’s English.
In the era of modernization,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have been an obsession regardless the gender and age. With the aid of
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
technology, the young learns to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
as early as one to two years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
following their parents’ steps. Research
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that exposing gadgets to toddlers can cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects towards their growth.
Thus
, we should
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
how harmful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can be if we fail to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it
Consider replacing "in a proper manner" with the adverb for "proper"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a proper manner
.

Video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
cause addiction and this can lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems such as responsibility issues.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
,
usually
have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
time in delivering their everyday chores once they
are stuck
in front of the screen. It creates disciplinary problems as they fail to restrain themselves from spending too much time in front of the computer. They began to neglect their homework and assignments which not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
put themselves in jeopardy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their teammates if the task required teamwork.

Furthermore
, the vulgarity of certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
has
been proven
to be the reason of aggressiveness inside a person. They
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
influenced by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
as they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
out from the outer world. The vulnerable group
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
the young adults, is the riskiest group as they are
still
in their development phase. There have the tendency to imitate the improper actions depicted in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
in their daily life.

Besides
, health problems are increasing since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are
being introduced
. Disease associated with bones and body posture seem to have the most drastic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are healthier in the last 10 years. Not to mention, most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
need to wear spectacles nowadays to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in their vision. I believe, that these have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
to do with the ridiculous amount of time spent looking at those interactive images.

Coming for
Possible spelling mistake. 'self-defence' is British English.
self-defence
: the self-claimed gamer once said that they manage to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their English by playing more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. Well, this is partly true as they may learn new vocabulary
Consider replacing "in a fun way" with the adverb for "fun"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a fun way
compared to stuck-up their nose in a dictionary.
Nevertheless
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
restricts in vocabulary wise, not in grammar as most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
simple everyday English
rather
than Queen’s English.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits? v. 15

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
363 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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