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Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits? v.10

Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits? v. 10
In this day and age, more and more contemporary attention has been placed on the phenomenon that many adults and particularly in children have been playing video games. While I accepted that these games have a few benefits of their provisions, but I strongly believe that the negative effects of these games are more adverse than the positive sides. It is clear that these video games have some advantages for entertaining and educational. To be more specific, the potential visual games helping people blend into the other dimension of virtual world, which makes people's brains are creative in their work as well as enhances their productivity. In addition, it not only helps humans easily concentrate on their jobs, but also creates the ideal workplaces for them. Furthermore, the high- quality education sometimes also depends on these games, which promotes the children to have fun after the long school day, especially in the curriculum of students are bombarded with too much information. I believe that the harmful factors of video games outweigh the benefits. Firstly, the attractive games are decorated with colourful imaginations and extremely facts to attract the player, particularly in children who have a potential level of high addiction. They generate a several challenging tasks that make users constantly progress their levels until they are satisfied and they also easily prone into the competing tasks with their peers which stimulate them want to win their enemies. Furthermore, they have been sacrificed a more hours in favour of their assignments to complete their duties on the games. Finally, It not only leads them to intentional addiction, but also alleviates them toward the sedentary lifestyle as well as increases the level of obesity disease. Therefore, the drawbacks of playing video games account for a higher rate than the good sides. In conclusion, it seems to me that the potential dangers of video games are more significant than the possible benefits.
In this day and age, more and more contemporary attention has
been placed
on the phenomenon that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
adults and
particularly
in children have been playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. While I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have a few benefits of their provisions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
strongly
believe that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are more adverse than the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
sides.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages for entertaining and educational. To be more specific, the potential visual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
helping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
blend into the other dimension of virtual world, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's brains are creative in their work
as well
as enhances their productivity.
In addition
, it not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
humans
easily
concentrate on their jobs,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
creates the ideal workplaces for them.
Furthermore
, the high- quality education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
also
depends on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, which promotes the children to have fun after the long school day,
especially
in the curriculum of students
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "is"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'are' is not always incorrect.)
are
bombarded with too much information.

I believe that the harmful factors of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
outweigh the benefits.
Firstly
, the attractive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are decorated
with
Possible spelling mistake. 'colourful' is British English.
colourful
imaginations and
extremely
facts to attract the player,
particularly
in children who have a potential level of high addiction. They generate a several challenging tasks that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
users
constantly
progress their levels until they are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
satisfied and
they
also
easily
prone into the competing tasks with their peers which stimulate them want to win their enemies.
Furthermore
, they have
been sacrificed
a more hours in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of their assignments to complete their duties on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Finally
, It not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
leads them to intentional addiction,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
alleviates them toward the sedentary lifestyle
as well
as increases the level of obesity disease.
Therefore
, the drawbacks of playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
account for a higher rate than the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
sides.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that the potential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are more significant than the possible benefits.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits? v. 10

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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