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Some people prefer to work instead of study after finishing high school. While others prefer to study. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.2

Some people prefer to work instead of study after finishing high school. While others prefer to study. v. 2
In modern times, the issue of what are students do after graduating from high school has become increasingly controversial. Some people opt to work when they finish high school. While others prefer to continue studying. In this essay I will discuss both sides of the argument and provide my over all opinion. Generally speaking, there are a wide range of reasons why people think that working after finishing high school is the optimum choice. Perhaps the main reason why people in favour of this idea is because they want to earn money early that let them to obtain whatever they need. Furthermore, they will gain experiences in life. Also, they will gain crafts, therefore they can develop themselves and create their own business which help them to marry easily and having a happy life. On the other hand, vast majority of people prefer to attend college after graduating from high school rather than go to work. People who are in this side of the argument think that studying can help them to gain knowledge and open their minds. Also, after completing college they will have university degree which can put them in a high position and help them to get a good job with high salary. For instance, the latest researches show that 85 per cent of people who had completed their education, now they are in high positions and live happily. In conclusion, attending college or working after graduating from high school is a topic which raises strong passions on both sides of the argument. My personal view is that attending college after finishing high school should be the first choice for students because they will have various opportunities to have a good life more than students who abandon studying and go to work.
In modern times, the issue of what are students do after graduating from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
has become
increasingly
controversial.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opt to work when they finish
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
others prefer to continue studying. In this essay I will discuss both sides of the argument and provide my over all opinion.

Generally
speaking, there are a wide range of reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that working after finishing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is the optimum choice. Perhaps the main reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want to earn money early that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them to obtain whatever they need.
Furthermore
, they will gain experiences in life.
Also
, they will gain crafts,
therefore
they can develop themselves and create their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to marry
easily
and having a happy life.

On the other hand
,
It seems that an article is missing.
vast majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to attend college after graduating from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
rather
than go to work.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
who are in this side of the argument
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that studying can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to gain knowledge and open their minds.
Also
, after completing college they will have university degree which can put them in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
position and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
job with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
salary.
For instance
, the latest researches
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that 85 per cent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who had completed their education,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
they are in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
positions and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
happily
.

In conclusion
, attending college or working after graduating from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is a topic which raises strong passions on both sides of the argument. My personal view is that attending college after finishing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should be the
first
choice for students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will have various opportunities to have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
life more than students who abandon studying and go to work.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people prefer to work instead of study after finishing high school. While others prefer to study. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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