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In some countries, young people are encouraged to work and travel for a year finishing high school and starting university study. Discuss advantage and disadvantage for your people who decide to do it. v.1

In some countries, young people are encouraged to work and travel for a year finishing high school and starting university study. Discuss advantage and disadvantage for your people who decide to do it. v. 1
Selecting a right career pathway is crucial for the youth's future life when they graduate from high school. Therefore,   some youngsters  prefer to travel around the world or working in workforce to gain experience before entering universities; while, others enrol themselves in post-secondary education right after the graduations. These two pathways will both have advantages for the youth. The essay will discuss these two options separately. To begin with, firstly,   Spending time travelling or working will provide opportunities for high school graduates understand themselves better. The majority of  them may have limited knowledge about working industries or lack of self-awareness; therefore, it may be  a challenge for them to select a proper major that they are interested. For example, one-year travelling and working experiences will provide chances for them to expand their horizontal knowledge and learn about themselves. Moreover,   they also earn some money for their tuition as well.   Therefore, after the experience, the youth may mature enough to make an important decision to pursue their careers in their lives. On the other hand, some new graduates will attend universities right after high school because they feel ready for advanced academic study. They believe that travelling and working will waste their precious time. Travelling will increase the risks for the youth to nurture negative habits, such as smoking or drinking. Moreover, working in labour jobs will not benefit their personal developments and sometimes, some of them may never go back to colleges again.  Directly pursuing university education will assist students to stay concentration in their academic study.  For instance, many successful doctors enrolled themselves in universities to study health sciences right after high school and then study medicines.  Later on they become outstanding doctors. In conclusion,   whether having a short period for travelling or working or not depends on a high school graduate individually. I personally believe that they should make a serious decision after discussing with their parents or mentors because each high school graduate is unique with different family backgrounds and cultures. Travelling around and working may not be suitable for all students due to  the above reasons. However, pursuing advanced academic educations in universities play a significant role in students' future life.
Selecting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
career pathway is crucial for the youth's future life when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduate
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Therefore
,
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This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
youngsters
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prefer to travel around the world or working in workforce to gain experience 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
entering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
; while, others enrol themselves in post-secondary education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
after the graduations. These two pathways will both have advantages for the youth. The essay will discuss these two options 
separately
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
firstly
,
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Spending time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
will provide opportunities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
graduates understand themselves better. The majority of
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
them may have limited knowledge about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
industries or lack of self-awareness;
therefore
, it may be
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
a challenge for them to select a proper major that they
are interested
.
For example
, one-year
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
experiences will provide chances for them to expand their horizontal knowledge and learn about themselves.
Moreover
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
they
also
earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money for their tuition
as well
.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Therefore
, after the experience, the youth may mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
decision to pursue their careers in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
new
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graduates
will attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they feel ready for advanced academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
. They believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
and working will waste their precious time.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Travelling
will increase the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
for the youth to nurture
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
habits, such as smoking or drinking.
Moreover
,
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working
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
jobs will not benefit their personal developments and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them may never go back to colleges again.  
Directly
pursuing
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university
education will assist students to stay concentration in their academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
.  
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
successful doctors enrolled themselves in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
health sciences
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and then
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study
medicines.  Later on they become outstanding doctors.

In conclusion
,
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whether having a short period for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
or not depends on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduate
individually
. I
personally
believe that they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a serious decision after discussing with their parents or mentors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduate
is unique with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
family backgrounds and cultures.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Travelling
around and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
may not be suitable for all students due to
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
the above reasons.
However
, pursuing advanced academic educations in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
play a significant role in students' future life.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
41Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay In some countries, young people are encouraged to work and travel for a year finishing high school and starting university study. Discuss advantage and disadvantage for your people who decide to do it. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
358 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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