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Some people prefer to work instead of study after finishing high school. While others prefer to study. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

Some people prefer to work instead of study after finishing high school. While others prefer to study. v. 1
Nowadays, topics like children's right to decision making are increasingly controversial. While some schools of thought believe that permitting children to make their own choices would lead to a self centered society. Others state that children are better off, if they are allowed to make decisions that concerns their welfare. In my opinion, the latter should be encouraged as it will establish a feeling of independence and increase the confidence level of the child. Antagonist to child's decision making base their argument on the nature of the minors. A popular scientist propounded that egoistic (selfish) element supersedes other elements in the subconscious of the child. For instance, children are known for their refusal to share their belongings with their peers. Therefore, if left to make critical judgment, they would grow to learn these selfish acts leading to a community with no regard for their fellow human. On the other hand, youngsters have a great tendency to learn fast. Such decision making skills will create a sense of independence and confidence in them. Both factors are essential in overcoming life challenges. For example, Robert Kiyasoki one of the richest businessmen at testify that his achievement can be attributed to his father who motivated him to make tough decisions as a child. He said during an interview that, when he was little, he was too dependent and had an inferior complex. He overcame them through the decision making skills he learnt during his childhood. Thus the need for children's involvement in this act. In summary, the ability to make great choices are essential in life. Therefore, children should be allowed to make judgement regarding their welfare as it ensures independence and high confidence level needed for their later life.
Nowadays, topics like children's right to
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
are
increasingly
controversial.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
schools of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
believe that permitting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
choices would lead to a self centered society. Others state that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are better off, if they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
that concerns their welfare. In my opinion, the latter should
be encouraged
as it will establish a feeling of independence and increase the confidence level of the child.

Antagonist to child's
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
base their argument on the nature of the minors. A popular scientist propounded that egoistic (selfish) element supersedes other elements in the subconscious of the child.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are known
for their refusal to share their belongings with their peers.
Therefore
, if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
critical judgment, they would grow to learn these selfish acts leading to a community with no regard for their fellow human.

On the other hand
, youngsters have a great tendency to learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
. Such
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
will create a sense of independence and confidence in them. Both factors are essential in overcoming life challenges.
For example
, Robert
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kiyasoki
one of the richest businessmen at testify that his achievement can
be attributed
to his father who motivated him to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
tough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
as a child. He said during an interview that, when he was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
, he was too dependent and had an inferior complex. He overcame them through the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
he
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
during his childhood.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
the need for children's involvement in this act.

In summary, the ability to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
great choices are essential in life.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
Do not mix variants of the same word ('judgement' and 'judgment') within a single text.
judgement
regarding their welfare as it ensures independence and high confidence level needed for their later life.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people prefer to work instead of study after finishing high school. While others prefer to study. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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