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Some people prefer to work for themselves our own a business. Other prefer to work for an employer. Which one do you prefer? v.1

Some people prefer to work for themselves our own a business. Other prefer to work for an employer. Which one do you prefer? v. 1
Happiness is an important issue in our life. It is difficult to define it because I believe, it is a state of mind. That said, different people might behave differently in similar situations because of the way that they look the world which is related to their mind, and because of it we can't restrict the definition of the happiness to any words. I believe, Materiality and spirituality are two major factors that might be important in achieving happiness. Actually the combination of these two factors with each other can help us to be happy in our life. If we just focus on earning money to have everything we like, we will finally get tired without perceiving the taste of true happiness, because, I believe that, this is an endless way. That said, we try hard to buy something like a car, when we reach to our goal, we get happy for a short time, after a while we set another goal for ourselves and then we start to work hard again and similar to the previous situation, when we achieve our goal, it might make us happy temporarily, but this happiness does not last a lot and again we get back to the first step and this process continue without any ending, so I believe, it is better not to search for happiness in just materiality goals because of the nature of human diversity. Moreover, spirituality is the other factor that next to the materiality might play an important role in our lives for achieving happiness. I believe that, all specifications that is related to the beauty can define the spirituality and the beauty can be recognized by our mind, so we should help ourselves to have a healthy mind to see the little beauties as well as seeing almost all situations positively, which make us feel great and finally leads to happiness in our life. For example, yoga, trusting to the superior god and thanksgiving for all properties and materiality that we have in our life could help us to have a healthy mind. In conclusion, I think that, happiness is a feeling which cannot be defined generally, because it is differ from person to person, but by nurturing a healthy mind along with having enough property we can feel happy in our lives.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Happiness
is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
issue in our life. It is difficult to define it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
, it is a state of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
. That said,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
behave
differently
in similar situations
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the way that they look the world which
is related
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of it we can't restrict the definition of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
to any words.

I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
, Materiality and spirituality are two major factors that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in achieving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. Actually the combination of these two factors with each other can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
in our life.

If we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
focus on earning money to have everything we like, we will
finally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
tired without perceiving the taste of true
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that, this is an endless way. That said, we try
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
something like a car, when we reach to our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goal
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
for a short time, after a while we set another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goal
for
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
ourselves and
then we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
again and similar to the previous situation, when we achieve our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goal
, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
temporarily
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
does not last a lot and again we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
back to the
first
step and this process continue without any ending,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
, it is better not to search for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
materiality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the nature of human diversity.

Moreover
, spirituality is the other factor that
next
to the materiality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
for achieving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that, all specifications that
is related
to the beauty can define the spirituality and the beauty can
be recognized
by our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
ourselves to have a healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
beauties
as well
as seeing almost all situations
positively
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us feel great and
finally
leads to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in our life.
For example
, yoga, trusting to the superior god and thanksgiving for all properties and materiality that we have in our life could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to have a healthy mind.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is a feeling which cannot
be defined
generally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is
Consider using a past participle here: "differed".
differ
from person to person,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
by nurturing a healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mind
along with having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
property we can feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people prefer to work for themselves our own a business. Other prefer to work for an employer. Which one do you prefer? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
386 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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