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Some people prefer to work for themselves or own a business, others prefer to work for an employer. Would you rather be self-employed, work for someone else, or own a business v.1

Some people prefer to work for themselves or own a business, others prefer to work for an employer. Would you rather be self-employed, work for someone else, or own a business v. 1
The argument over whether self-employment is preferable or working for a company is better has not been settled yet. Some would argue that working as an individual contractor or sole proprietor is advantageous, while others believe that serving an employer beget more benefit. However, in my opinion, a fixed ramification in return for those services which are given to the company is superior. To embark with, people loathe to take dictations from others and they want to be their own boss. This is to say that this is against their self-esteem to obey someone because these people are good at management and organizing skills on their own. Hence, they do not need any guidance or supervision of any other person. For example, the owner of the worldly famous ABN company reveals that when he worked for an employer he was unable to survive in the company due to the contradiction of thoughts. However, I believe that as a business owner, it is obvious that there are a lot of risks associated with them which are worth considering: profit and loss, debt, currency fluctuation, and market trends. On the other hand, some people prefer to be an employee, since it is risk-free. Because they realize that they will have a fixed amount of salary in their account at the end of the month irrespective of business trends of the company they are working for. The company is responsible for any loss, and the employee’s salary has nothing to do with it because it is fixed when a person signs a contract with the company. Similarly, many companies are offering an attractive salary package for their staff which includes old-age benefits, house, medical, child education allowance. To conclude, people may vary in their opinion about means of earning whether through becoming a businessman or a professional employee. I personally prefer to join an organization where I can find job security to win bread for my family.
The argument over whether self-employment is preferable or working for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
is better has not
been settled
yet
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would argue that working as an individual contractor or sole proprietor is advantageous, while others believe that serving an employer beget more benefit.
However
, in my opinion, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
ramification in return for those services which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
is superior.

To embark with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
loathe to take dictations from
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
others and
they want to be their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
boss. This is to say that this is against their self-esteem to obey someone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at management and organizing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
Hence
, they do not need any guidance or supervision of any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
person.
For example
, the owner of the worldly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
ABN
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
reveals that when he worked for an employer he was unable to survive in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
due to the contradiction of thoughts.
However
, I believe that as a business owner, it is obvious that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
associated with them which are worth considering: profit and loss, debt, currency fluctuation, and market trends.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to be an employee, since it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
-free.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
they realize that they will have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
amount of salary in their account at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the month irrespective of business trends of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
they are working for. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
is responsible for any loss, and the employee’s salary has nothing to do with it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
when a person signs a contract with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
.
Similarly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
are offering an attractive salary package for their staff which includes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-age benefits,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, medical, child education allowance.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may vary in their opinion about means of earning whether through becoming a businessman or a professional employee. I
personally
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
an organization where I can find job security to win bread for my family.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Some people prefer to work for themselves or own a business, others prefer to work for an employer. Would you rather be self-employed, work for someone else, or own a business v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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