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Some people prefer to travel with a companion, other people prefer to travel alone. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answers v.1

Some people prefer to travel with a companion, other people prefer to travel alone. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answers v. 1
It is often debatable that professional athletes could behave improperly as long as they perform well on the field. Although I accept that they have the right to follow their own personalities, as public figures, they should, in my opinion, mind their own conducts both in the game and in society. Like other competitive professions, sports are a tough battlefield where athletic abilities are glorified rather than one's good behaviour. From a personal perspective, it is sometimes unfair to judge who would be right or wrong when a good player tackle his opponent to possess the ball. Reasons may vary, especially the pressing atmosphere may push him into some unwanted reactions, or they are just unintentional actions. Moreover, the core concept of misbehaviour has been seriously prejudiced recently, off the field these professional athletes are not different from other normal individuals, so one does not have the legal right to prevent them from fulfilling their desires or meeting their goals. Such public backlash against their so-called improper conduct seems to be blatantly unfair as people are not in their situations. On the other hand, It is widely believed that sportsmen and sportswomen have a tremendous impact on a myriad of viewers not to mention their countries’ images. Sportsmanship is occasionally known to have remained the first and foremost priority as sports aim of promoting excellence. Those champions takes role as outstanding representatives for their nations and the feelings of pride of their fans; therefore, the need of performing adequate manners both on and off the field is undoubtedly paramount. Moreover, the minors are claimed to be heavily influenced by their idols, so these professional athletes must hold the responsibility to set exemplary models to the young and such unintentional misbehaviours' would take heavy tolls on shaping their younger viewers’ development and awareness. Taking everything into consideration, despite the fact that the champions have legal rights to follow their wants and needs, their behaviours are also of great importance to avoid prompting certain frictions or specific grievances.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
debatable that professional athletes could behave
improperly
as long as they perform well on the field. Although I accept that they have the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
to follow their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
personalities, as public figures, they should, in my opinion, mind their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
conducts both in the game and in society.

Like other competitive professions, sports are a tough battlefield where athletic abilities
are glorified
rather
than one's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. From a personal perspective, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
unfair to judge who would be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
when a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
player tackle his opponent to possess the ball. Reasons may vary,
especially
the pressing atmosphere may push him into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
unwanted reactions, or they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
unintentional actions.
Moreover
, the core concept of
Possible spelling mistake. 'misbehaviour' is British English.
misbehaviour
has been
seriously
prejudiced recently, off the field these professional athletes are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from other normal individuals,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
one does not have the legal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
right
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from fulfilling their desires or meeting their goals. Such public backlash against their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
-called improper conduct seems to be
blatantly
unfair as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are not in their situations.

On the other hand
, It is
widely
believed that sportsmen and sportswomen have a tremendous impact on a myriad of viewers not to mention their countries’ images. Sportsmanship is
occasionally
known to have remained the
first
and foremost priority as sports aim of promoting excellence. Those champions
You should probably use "take".
takes
role as outstanding representatives for their nations and the feelings of pride of their fans;
therefore
, the need of performing adequate manners both on and off the field is
undoubtedly
paramount.
Moreover
, the minors
are claimed
to be
heavily
influenced by their idols,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
these professional athletes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
hold the responsibility to set exemplary models to the young and such unintentional
Possible spelling mistake found.
misbehaviours
' would take heavy tolls on shaping their younger viewers’ development and awareness.

Taking everything into consideration, despite the fact that the champions have legal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
to follow their wants and needs, their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
are
also
of great importance to avoid prompting certain frictions or specific grievances.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people prefer to travel with a companion, other people prefer to travel alone. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answers v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
336 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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