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Some people prefer to spend more time improving their careers. Others think that it’s more important to spend time with family and friends. v.4

Some people prefer to spend more time improving their careers. Others think that it’s more important to spend time with family and friends. v. 4
People have different priorities in life, as some choose to focus more on their works while others prefer to have more time with their family and relatives. The following essay will discuss both opinions, but I personally feel that we should have a balanced view regarding the discussion. On the one hand, some people choose to spend more times in career development. These people believe that career would be the most important aspect of their life, as a successful career would change their life. They would be able to earn handsome money, drive a luxurious car, live a big house, travel overseas or wear fancy clothes. Therefore they choose to focus more on their career improvement. One of the ways would be by working longer and more dedicatedly than what an average employee would do. Then, they also would take additional courses and training which correlate to their work during the night or in the weekend. As a consequence, they do not have time for themselves and for their family and friends as well. On the other hand, other groups of people believe that family, relatives and friends are more important than works. They believe that spending more times with the family would have a positive effect on children's mental development. They also believe that that people should be close to relatives and neighbours, as they are the first one who will help during financial difficulties or natural disasters. Consequently, many of these people cannot improve their careers, because they do not want to spend some of their times for self-development. In my opinion, I personally believe that people should have a balanced life. It means that people must develop their potential and should also have targets and ambitions in their career life, but they should not sacrifice the socialisation time as well. People should learn more about time management such as setting priorities at work, therefore they could work more effective and efficient. As a result, they do not have to work overtime and they could some spend some time with their family and friends.
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People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
priorities in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
choose to focus more on their works while others prefer to have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and relatives. The following essay will discuss both opinions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
personally
feel that we should have a balanced view regarding the discussion.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose to spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
development. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
would be the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, as a successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their
Did you mean "lives"?
life
. They would be able to earn handsome money, drive a luxurious car,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, travel overseas or wear fancy clothes.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
they choose to focus more on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
improvement. One of the ways would be by working longer and more
Possible spelling mistake found.
dedicatedly
than what an average employee would do. Then, they
also
would take additional courses and training which correlate to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
during the night or in the weekend. As a consequence, they do not have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for themselves and for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and friends
as well
.

On the other hand
, other groups of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, relatives and friends are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than works. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that spending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
would have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect on children's mental development. They
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be close to relatives and
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
, as they are the
first
one who will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
during financial difficulties or natural disasters.
Consequently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they do not want to spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
for self-development.

In my opinion, I
personally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have a balanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. It means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
develop their potential and should
also
have targets and ambitions in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they should not sacrifice the
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialisation' is British English.
socialisation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
as well
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
should learn more about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
management such as setting priorities at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
therefore
they could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
more effective and efficient.
As a result
, they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
overtime and
they could
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and friends.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
42Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people prefer to spend more time improving their careers. Others think that it’s more important to spend time with family and friends. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
346 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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