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Some people prefer to spend more time improving their careers. Others think that it’s more important to spend time with family and friends. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people prefer to spend more time improving their careers. Others think that it’s more important to spend time with family and friends. v. 1
In this era, time is a precious commodity. While some people wish to spend their time with family & relatives while others suggest that, enhance the career and profession. Some folks are concerned about menage. However, few individuals believe that time is money, use wisely. We will further investigate below. To begin with, To build a dynamic career, professional and practical skills are the foundation of your fortune. Though, development in your occupation merely based on your skills as well as utilization of time. Moreover, in today's world, fraternity is trying to achieve a superior position in their line of business. For instance, to construct a powerful career, A mechanical engineer should not rely only on their qualification but also improve their practical skills by utilizing time. On the other hand, a family is the base of your emotional and mental capability. Family and friends play a crucial role in your life. Without them you are nothing. They are your backbone who plays an important role to build your career by improvising and supporting your mental and inner health. Therefore, people have to allocate more time to build a strong personal life. For example, if a person gets disappointed by their professional lives, then the moral support of his loved ones can prevent him from depression and a little bit of encouragement can boost their self-confidence. To conclude, it's a poignant reality that a career is far more important than family. In addition, the career provides a good fortune to complete your visions. Henceforth, in my opinion, career and family are both necessary for an individual. Thus, a person has to maintain a balance between them.
In this era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is a precious commodity. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
wish to spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
& relatives while others suggest that, enhance the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
and profession.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
folks
are concerned
about
'menage' is an imported foreign expression, which originally has a diacritic. Consider using "ménage"
menage
.
However
, few individuals believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is money,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
wisely
. We will
further
investigate below.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, To build a dynamic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
, professional and practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are the foundation of your fortune. Though, development in your occupation
merely
based on your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
as well
as utilization of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Moreover
, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world, fraternity is trying to achieve a superior position in their line of business.
For instance
, to construct a powerful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
, A mechanical engineer should not rely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on their qualification
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
by utilizing time.

On the other hand
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is the base of your emotional and mental capability.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Family
and friends play a crucial role in your life. Without them you are nothing. They are your backbone who plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role to build your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
by improvising and supporting your mental and inner health.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
allocate more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to build a strong personal life.
For example
, if a person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
disappointed by their professional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, then the moral support of his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
him from depression and a
Reduce redundancy by using "little" or "bit".
little bit
of encouragement can boost their self-confidence.

To conclude
, it's a poignant reality that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
is far more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
In addition
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
provides a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
fortune to complete your visions. Henceforth, in my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
are both necessary for an individual.
Thus
, a person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
maintain a balance between them.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people prefer to spend more time improving their careers. Others think that it’s more important to spend time with family and friends. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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