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Some people prefer to spend more time improving their careers. Others think that it’s more important to spend time with family and friends. v.2

Some people prefer to spend more time improving their careers. Others think that it’s more important to spend time with family and friends. v. 2
In the 21st century, time is more important than money. Utilisation of time is one of the key factors in this important aspect of life. There is a fundamental debate going between two mindsets of people. The first group is of the opinion that careers are more important than family and friends, others who refute this theory say that, family and friends should be given more priority than work and career. We will do a comparative analysis of both views before reaching a conclusion. Firstly, the people who give more weight to their jobs and careers tend to believe that improving their careers will automatically reflect positively in the lifestyle of their families and friends. For instance, a man who has a good career will be able to support his family in a much better way compared to the person who is earning very less amount of money. Also, he will be able to save enough amount of money in case of unforeseen circumstances due to which he loses his job. Consequently, the family will compromise on this time factor as they are enjoying a life with all facilities with bearing in mind that whatever a person is doing ultimately will be fruitful for his family & friends. Now, we will examine the other side of the story in which people who tend to believe that giving too much importance to their work and careers will affect negatively the mental and social behaviour of their family and friends. They will feel neglected and sidelined and consequently they can suffer from problems like depression etc. These types of people are ready to compromise their careers, salary, perks and benefits by allocating more time to their families and friends. The families are also happy to reduce their unnecessary expenses to relieve any sort of pressure on the person who is earning. Subsequently, he enjoys the life in the normal way. To recapitulate, both the mindsets have their own priorities and goals according to which they decide which one to prefer over other either family & friends over careers or vice versa. But I tend to believe that families and friends should be weighed more in comparison to career and work. It is recommended that this decision of time, career and money should be taken by mutual consensus by all stakeholders i. e. a person family and his friends.
In the 21st century,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Utilisation' is British English.
Utilisation
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is one of the key factors in this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect of life. There is a fundamental debate going between two mindsets of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. The
first
group is of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
refute this theory say that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more priority than work and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
. We will do a comparative analysis of both views
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching a conclusion.

Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
give more weight to their jobs and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
tend to believe that improving their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
will
automatically
reflect
positively
in the lifestyle of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
.
For instance
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
has a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
will be able to support his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
in a much better way compared to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is earning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Also
, he will be able to save
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in case of unforeseen circumstances due to which he loses his job.
Consequently
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
will compromise on this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
factor as they are enjoying a life with all facilities with bearing in mind that whatever a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is doing
ultimately
will be fruitful for his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
& friends.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, we will examine the other side of the story in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
tend to believe that giving too much importance to their work and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
will affect
negatively
the mental and social
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. They will feel neglected and sidelined and
consequently
they can suffer from problems like depression etc. These types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are ready to compromise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
, salary, perks and benefits by allocating more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
are
also
happy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their unnecessary expenses to relieve any sort of pressure on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is earning.
Subsequently
, he enjoys the life in the normal way.

To recapitulate, both the mindsets have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
priorities and goals according to which they decide which one to prefer over other either
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
&
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
or vice versa.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I tend to believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
should
be weighed
more
in comparison
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
and work. It
is recommended
that this decision of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
should
be taken
by mutual consensus by all stakeholders
There should be no space here: "i.e.".
i. e.
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
53Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
To learn a language is to have one more window from which to look at the world.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Some people prefer to spend more time improving their careers. Others think that it’s more important to spend time with family and friends. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
396 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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