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Some people prefer to play team sports, while others prefer to play individual sports. Discuss the advantage of each. Then indicate which you prefer and why. v.2

Some people prefer to play team sports, while others prefer to play individual sports. Discuss the advantage of each. Then indicate which you prefer and why. v. 2
Sports playing important role for life is divided into two types- team and individual. Both sports have their own effective advantages. So I will consider benefits of each point and which one is better for me. On the one hand, the most essential thing of playing team sports is how to cooperate with other members. By learning this ability, people not only achieve goals, but also support, motivate and respect others to make the best team. Furthermore, another advantage is high level of discipline. Because if your team practice, you have to practice with them and you must not late, and performance of each members affects dramatically on result. From my experience, in terms of dance sport, team members who can move like one person rather than who do special movement is able to win. Thus, we needed to feel each other and do simultaneously at every single moment. As a result, we made success and became the best adviser, friend and coach of others. On the other hand, individual sports have also advantages. It makes people patient and independent because there are not many people to help when they face problems or are discouraged. Therefore, only one who encourages, puts requirements is yourself. Moreover, people who play individual sports decide everything, they do not have to wait whole team to practice or make strategy, plan. In conclusion, I prefer to play team sports. Reason is that it helps more influential to develop myself, have friends and especially work with others than individual sports.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
playing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role for life
is divided
into two types-
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
. Both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
effective advantages.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I will consider benefits of each point and which one is better for me.

On the one hand, the most essential thing of playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is how to cooperate with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
members. By learning this ability,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
achieve goals,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
support, motivate and respect others to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
.
Furthermore
, another advantage is high level of discipline.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
if your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
practice, you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
practice with them and you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not late, and performance of each members affects
dramatically
on result. From my experience, in terms of dance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
members
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
like one person
rather
than
Did you mean "whom"?
who
do special movement is able to win.
Thus
, we needed to feel each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
and do
simultaneously
at every single moment.
As a result
, we made success and became the best adviser, friend and coach of others.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have
also
advantages. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
patient and independent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
when they face problems or
are discouraged
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
encourages, puts requirements is yourself.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
decide everything, they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
wait whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
to practice or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
strategy, plan.

In conclusion
, I prefer to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. Reason is that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
more influential to develop myself, have friends and
especially
work with others than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people prefer to play team sports, while others prefer to play individual sports. Discuss the advantage of each. Then indicate which you prefer and why. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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