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If you could make one important change in a school that you attended, whatchange would you make? Use reasons and specific examples to support youranswer. v.2

If you could make one important change in a school that you attended, whatchange would you make? Use reasons and specific examples to support youranswer. v. 2
Schools are where people start to think about their life and career that’s why it is very important to prepare each school to meet the learning environment. If I could make one change in the college that I attend, I would make the dorms compulsory for the students. Because dorms offer a good shift from childhood to adulthood, and they also give opportunity to meet and befriend other students. I will detail my reasons in the next paragraphs. The first reason is that it will help students transition from childhood to adulthood. This will be the first time they have to be without the guardianship of their parents. This time will allow them to discover things about their personalities and make life choices. For instance, I depended all my school years on my parent until I reached the School of Pharmacy. Even though, it was my decision to join that college but I had acted like a child through all these years. So when I entered college I joined the dorm which totally changed me. I started to live independently which surprised my parents and even me because I wasn’t expecting that I could wash my clothes, clean my room and cook. Then I felt confident to take vital decisions in my life without hesitation. Secondly, dorms give chance to meet and befriend other students since they offer great social environment for everybody, no matter what their race, religion and background. For example, the dorm that I used to live in was very big and it had students not only from medical colleges but also from non medical colleges. We all had a strong bond and we never asked each other about our race or religion. That unique friendship which took place at that time is until now even though some of us migrate to different countries but we still renuion every year and whoever is available in the country at that time attend the party. In conclusion, if my college will take this point in consideration; a big change was going to happen. The transition of the student personality to the adulthood and the social environment that provided in the dorm are the reasons why I chose that change to happen in the school housing system.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
are where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about their life and career that’s why it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to prepare each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the learning environment. If I could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the college that I attend, I would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dorms
compulsory for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dorms
offer a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
shift from childhood to adulthood, and they
also
give opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
and befriend other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. I will detail my reasons in the
next
paragraphs.

The
first
reason is that it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
transition from childhood to adulthood. This will be the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be without the guardianship of their parents. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to discover things about their personalities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
life choices.
For instance
, I depended all my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
years on my parent until I reached the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
of Pharmacy.
Even though
, it was my decision to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
that college
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I had acted like a child through all these years.
“So when” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
So when
I entered college I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dorm
which
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
me. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
independently
which surprised my parents and even me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I wasn’t expecting that I could wash my clothes, clean my room and cook. Then I felt confident to take vital decisions in my life without hesitation.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dorms
give chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
and befriend other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
since they offer great social environment for everybody, no matter what their race, religion and background.
For example
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dorm
that I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
and it had
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
from medical colleges
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
from
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
non medical
colleges. We all had a strong
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
bond and
we never asked each other about our race or religion. That unique friendship which took place at that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is until
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of us migrate to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we
still
Possible spelling mistake found.
renuion
every year and whoever is available in the country at that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
attend the party.

In conclusion
, if my college will take this point in consideration; a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
was going to happen. The transition of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
personality to the adulthood and the social environment that provided in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dorm
are the reasons why I chose that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
to happen in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
housing system.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay If you could make one important change in a school that you attended, whatchange would you make? Use reasons and specific examples to support youranswer. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
377 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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