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Some people pay money for the things they want or need Other people trade products or goods for what they need Compare the advantages of these two ways of obtaining things Which way do you prefer v.2

Some people pay money for the things they want or need Other people trade products or goods for what they need Compare the advantages of these two ways of obtaining things Which way do you prefer v. 2
People tried to use different tools as money for trading and business during centuries. Some nations requested goods and traditional commodities of their area as money. These products had their own benefits and disadvantages accordingly. I think that paper based money which was invented after these periods can strongly help people for doing their business easier and managing their financial status realistically. Since, money made everything easier due to many logical reasons. First, money help everyone including governments to value each product manufactured in its country correctly. This helps any individual to buy any specific good for an established price. For example, if you buy a bottle of wine for 2 dollars, it should be 2 dollars in every shop around that city. So, no one can sell any product to a higher arbitrary price. Another reason which we should take into account is the paper monies shape, size and material. When you trade your product for something other than money, it may have a special material that could be rotten or deteriorate and lose its value eventually. It may have a huge size and cannot be stored properly in any storing facility. In fact, money has a constant value which won’t lose its credit and value if anybody stores it. Also, it is invented in such a way that you can transfer it comfortably. You can give as a lone to any person and get it back later without losing its value. Even you can invest it anywhere you like in any project which will return your money with its benefit. However, other products lack these benefits and therefore, they were put aside in history. Nowadays, with developments occurred in electronics and computers, paper monies were altered to digital currencies which can be managed easily. They can be sent to other countries without any concern regarding their inherent merit. New currencies have been invented by societies’ enhancements that meet their demand and needs in a developed community. In conclusion, materials which were used for trading and the paper money which we use have their own pro and cons. But, with economies’ development the need for an established constant thing as a valueable tool found to be necessary.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
tried to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
tools as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for trading and business during centuries.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
nations requested
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and traditional commodities of their area as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
had their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
benefits and disadvantages
accordingly
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that paper based
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
which
was invented
after these periods can
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
for doing their business easier and managing their financial status
realistically
.
“Since” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Since
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
made everything easier due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
logical reasons.

First
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
everyone
The verb 'First' is used with an infinitive: "to include" or "include".
including
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
manufactured in its country
correctly
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
any individual to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
any specific
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for an established price.
For example
, if you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a bottle of wine for 2 dollars, it should be 2 dollars in every shop around that city.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, no one can sell any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
to a higher arbitrary price.

Another reason which we should take into account is the paper monies shape, size and material. When you trade your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
for something other than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, it may have a special material that could be rotten or deteriorate and lose its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
eventually
. It may have a huge size and cannot
be stored
properly
in any storing facility. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
has a constant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
which won’t lose its credit and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
if anybody stores it.
Also
, it
is invented
in such a way that you can transfer it
comfortably
. You can give as a lone to any person and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
it back later without losing its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
value
. Even you can invest it anywhere you like in any project which will return your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
with its benefit.
However
, other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
lack these benefits and
therefore
, they
were put
aside in history.

Nowadays, with developments occurred in electronics and computers, paper monies
were altered
to digital currencies which can
be managed
easily
. They can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
to other countries without any concern regarding their inherent merit. New currencies have
been invented
by societies’ enhancements that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their demand and needs in a developed community.

In conclusion
, materials which were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for trading and the paper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
which we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
pro and cons.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, with economies’ development the need for an established constant thing as a
Possible spelling mistake found.
valueable
tool found to be necessary.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Some people pay money for the things they want or need Other people trade products or goods for what they need Compare the advantages of these two ways of obtaining things Which way do you prefer v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
368 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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