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Many people think children should not be punished at early ages. To what extend do you agree or disagree? What sort of punishment may be applied for children? v.2

Many people think children should not be punished at early ages. What sort of punishment may be applied for children? v. 2
There are lots of arguments about whether youngsters should be penalize or they should be taught without punishment. Some say if they will be punished for some commitment, it will come across as a trauma in their life. However, others, myself included, argue that without punishment lessons cannot be learnt effectively. In this essay I will explain my idea and give some examples about what should be done as punishment. Having said that, children may commit any sort of crime which require some lessons to be taught. The reason behind the lesson that in their after life they will be punished for what they did and may suffer severely because of consequences such as monetary penalty or imprisonment. Moreover, it is crucial that how to penalize them without cause any trauma since there are lots of people who had suffered during childhood because of the parents’ punishment. First of all, the main goal should be the benefit of the young one and it should not be forgotten that they are not able to disguise which is good or bad. However, they should learn their differences at some point. Therefore, as a punishment, the most valuable thing might be taken away from them such as the Internet, nowadays. To conclude, although youngsters may be taught as very naive to overcome any punishment, I totally believe that they should not be regarded as that way and should pay the prize of their doings by their pocket money or valuable things, which is mentioned above.
There are lots of arguments about whether youngsters should be
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
penalize or
they should
be taught
without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
say if they will
be punished
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
commitment, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
across as a trauma in their life.
However
, others, myself included, argue that without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
lessons cannot be
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
effectively
. In this essay I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
and give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
examples about what should
be done
as punishment.

Having said that, children may commit any sort of crime which require
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
lessons to
be taught
. The reason behind the lesson that in their after life they will
be punished
for what they did and may suffer
severely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of consequences such as monetary penalty or imprisonment.

Moreover
, it is crucial that how to penalize them without cause any trauma since there are lots of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who had suffered during childhood
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the parents’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the main goal should be the benefit of the young one and it should not
be forgotten
that they are not able to disguise which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
.
However
, they should learn their differences at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
point.
Therefore
, as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
, the most valuable thing might
be taken
away from them such as the Internet, nowadays.

To conclude
, although youngsters may
be taught
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
naive to overcome any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
, I
totally
believe that they should not
be regarded
as that way and should pay the prize of their doings by their pocket money or valuable things, which
is mentioned
above.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people think children should not be punished at early ages. What sort of punishment may be applied for children? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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