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Some people link that children showed go to kindergarden before attending primary school, which others believe that is better for children to stay all day with their families. Discuss both v.1

Some people link that children showed go to kindergarden before attending primary school, which others believe that is better for children to stay all day with their families. 1
There is no doubt about the existence of a supreme being. Although some people believe that the only pathway to God is through Jesus, others disagree and argue that there are various paths to seeing God. In my essay, I will discuss both sides of the argument and explain my support for the latter view. On the one hand, some people think that Jesus Christ is the only route to meet with Jehovah. This is as a result of landmark happenings in the New Testament. For instance, John prophesied that God is sending a messiah whose shoes he is unfit to lose, that the messiah will wash away our sins, raise the dead, and enable us to see Jehovah through him. On the other hand, I would argue that there are other ways to see God. This is because several events in the Old Testament show clearly encounters between various men and Yahweh. To illustrate, Daniel, while in the lions' den prayed to God Almighty and he was delivered from the den. Furthermore, Mosses contacted God while leading the children of the Israelites out of Egypt. As a consequence, God instructed him to strike the rod on the Red Sea and the sea divided so they can pass through. In contrast, since they have seen God, then Jesus Christ is not the only passage to God. In conclusion, despite some people thinking that the only way to meet with Jehovah is through Jesus Christ as revealed in the New Testament through the prophesy of John, I believe that there are different ways in which God can be seen as manifested in the Old Testament with Daniel and Mosses.
There is no doubt about the existence of a supreme being. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
pathway to God is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
Jesus, others disagree and argue that there are various paths to seeing God. In my essay, I will discuss both sides of the argument and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my support for the latter view.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that Jesus Christ is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
route to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
with Jehovah. This is
as a result
of landmark happenings in the New
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Testament
.
For instance
, John prophesied that God is sending a messiah whose shoes he is unfit to lose, that the messiah will wash away our sins, raise the dead, and enable us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
Jehovah
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
him.

On the other hand
, I would argue that there are other ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
God. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Testament
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
clearly
encounters between various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and Yahweh. To illustrate, Daniel, while in the lions' den prayed to God
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
Almighty and
he
was delivered
from the den.
Furthermore
, Mosses contacted God while leading the children of the Israelites out of Egypt. As a consequence, God instructed him to strike the rod on the Red Sea and the sea divided
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can pass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
.
In contrast
, since they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
God, then Jesus Christ is not the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
passage to God.

In conclusion
, despite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
thinking that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
with Jehovah is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
Jesus Christ as revealed in the New
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Testament
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
through
After 'the', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'prophesy' is correct. If 'prophesy' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
the prophesy
of John, I believe that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways in which God can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as manifested in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Testament
with Daniel and Mosses.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people link that children showed go to kindergarden before attending primary school, which others believe that is better for children to stay all day with their families. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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