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Some people link that children showed go to kindergarden before attending primary school, which others believe that is better for children to stay all day with their families. Discuss both v.2

Some people link that children showed go to kindergarden before attending primary school, which others believe that is better for children to stay all day with their families. 2
It is irrefutable, nowadays many of the people are planing to put their children on kindergarden before they go to primary school. While others saying that is waste of money and they can spend all time with their parents. I am of the opinion that this matter should be debated before any conclusion can be drawn. on the other hand, children who are all going to kindergarden and they are getting benifits for social interaction and who can learn social activities. One of the best part is learning activities with their peers which they can get the motivation from everyone. Another think is that thay can improve basic acadamic studies such as numbers, rhymes and alphabets which will give preparation for primary school. for instance, in India, there are 54% children are going to kindregarden and specially metropolitian cities which are taking the main leading part to increase the ratio. on the one hand, there are many people are still in below poverty and who can not afford money to put their children to pre schools. Main reason is pre school also charging more money for academic which everyone can not plan it for this reason. Eventhough, parents can teach their basic academic lessons whatever they can get it from kindergarden and they can get parent attention. To summarise after slicing and dicing this, parent can teach their children but they won' t get it social interaction and peer activities in order to this kindergarden is right aproach for primary school preparations and adopt to the timings as well.
It is irrefutable, nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are planing to put their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
on
Possible spelling mistake found.
kindergarden
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they go to primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. While others saying
that is
waste of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
money and
they can spend all time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. I am of the opinion that this matter should
be debated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
any conclusion can
be drawn
.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
on
the other hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are all going to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
kindergarden and
they are getting
Possible spelling mistake found.
benifits
for social interaction and who can learn social activities. One of the best
Please check whether a plural form of 'part' should be used.
part
is learning activities with their peers which they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the motivation from everyone. Another
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
is that
Possible spelling mistake found.
thay
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
basic
Possible spelling mistake found.
acadamic
studies such as numbers, rhymes and alphabets which will give preparation for primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
for
instance, in India, there are 54%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are going to
Possible spelling mistake found.
kindregarden
and
specially
Possible spelling mistake found.
metropolitian
cities which are taking the main leading part to increase the ratio.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
on
the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
still
in below poverty and who can not afford money to put their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. Main reason is
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
also
charging more money for academic which everyone can not plan it
for this reason
.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Eventhough
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can teach their basic academic lessons whatever they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
it from
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
kindergarden and
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
attention.

To
Possible spelling mistake. 'summarise' is British English.
summarise
after slicing and dicing this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
can teach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
Possible spelling mistake found.
won&
#039; t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
it social interaction and peer activities in order to this
Possible spelling mistake found.
kindergarden
is right
Possible spelling mistake found.
aproach
for primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
preparations and
Did you mean "adapt to"?
adopt to
the timings
as well
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
22Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people link that children showed go to kindergarden before attending primary school, which others believe that is better for children to stay all day with their families. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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