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Your work in a company and need to take a certain course. Write a letter to your manager and say Explain why you need this training course Where and when you will take it how will the company benifit from it v.1

Your work in a company and need to take a certain course. Write a letter to your manager and say Explain why you need this training course Where and when you will take it how will the company benifit from it v. 1
The diseases such as obesity were considered to be meant for grownups only, but now it is becoming more common in children. The primary cause of this problem is the popularity of fast foods and the most viable solution is to educate children about the effects of being obese. Children these days prefer to eat junk food rather than homemade food because the restaurant chains like McDonald's and Burger King are becoming popular. In other words, children are addicted to eating junk food such as burgers and pizza and these foods contain a huge amount of fats and high calories that are harmful to the health of children. Therefore, they are becoming overweight. For example, a recent survey conducted by the Guardian revealed that 55% of children in urban areas eat fatty foods on a regular basis. A possible solution to this problem is that students should be educated about the dangers of obesity and they should not eat fast foods. That is to say that schools should educate pupils about the consequences of eating fatty meals. As a result, they will think twice before asking their parents to eat junk food and this can eventually reduce the chances of encounter diseases. For instance, a similar initiative implemented in the UK and this resulted in a 20% decrease in the number of children suffering from obesity. In conclusion, children are becoming overweight these days because they eat fast food more often and to solve this problem they should be educated about the diseases that can be caused by eating these foods. The diseases such as obesity were considered to be meant for grownups only, but now it is becoming more common in children. The primary cause of this problem is the popularity of fast foods and the most viable solution is to educate children about the effects of being obese.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
such as obesity
were considered
to
be meant
for grownups
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
it is becoming more common in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The primary cause of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is the popularity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and the most viable solution is to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about the effects of being obese.

Children these days prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eat
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
rather
than homemade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the restaurant chains like McDonald's and Burger King are becoming popular.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are addicted
to eating junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
such as burgers and pizza and these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
contain a huge amount of fats and high calories that are harmful to the health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Therefore
, they are becoming overweight.
For example
, a recent survey conducted by the Guardian revealed that 55% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in urban areas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eat
fatty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
on a regular basis.

A possible solution to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is that students should
be educated
about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
obesity and
they should not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
.
That is
to say that schools should educate pupils about the consequences of eating fatty meals.
As a result
, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
twice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
asking their parents to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eat
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and this can
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the chances of encounter
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
.
For instance
, a similar initiative implemented in the UK and this resulted in a 20% decrease in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
suffering from obesity.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are becoming overweight these days
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
and to solve this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
they should
be educated
about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
that can
be caused
by eating these foods.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
such as obesity
were considered
to
be meant
for grownups
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
it is becoming more common in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The primary cause of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is the popularity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and the most viable solution is to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about the effects of being obese.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Your work in a company and need to take a certain course. Write a letter to your manager and say Explain why you need this training course Where and when you will take it how will the company benifit from it v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
310 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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